You are yet another dose of dopamine that wears out leaving me colder than before. As I pop pills like tic tacs in the single digit temperatures of the night I wonder if I know anything for sure anymore. You, me and this.. A beautiful firework that fades into nothing but ashes and smoke and I like a little kid still stare at the velvet blue sky,wishing I had made you some breakfast the last time.

                                            
                          And if I am abusing too much, and not being creative about their use...know that, what I really need to do is have a good cry.

If dolls could talk...and teddy bears could sing....

they'd tell you I wasn't always like this.....how easily I'd laugh and cry.....

they'd tell you I loved to talk...teach them stuff and tell them stories....

they'd tell you how patient I was....I'd put each one of them to sleep....

they'd tell you how I took care...patched them up...made clothes for them....brushed their hair

they'd tell you how worried I'd be when others played rough with them.....

they'd tell you I was never scared of the dark, the thunder,the spiders or the monsters.....just the teacher in school who would shout to bring me back from the day dreaming.....

If dolls could talk...and teddy bears could sing....

they'd tell tell you who I am.....not who I seem to be.

..in plastic and fur....recycled...or in the dust....

lie my purest kisses and caresses... tears for nothings..

 ...misgivings of a tender heart.

Men and women have the strangest effect on each other. It is overwhelming to truly feel how we are inherently meant to impact each other. 

You start from where you think you have everything in control, you have a map, a plan, and you know what you want and where you want to go and 9 out of 10 times you will execute it to a T. Initially you feel good, you feel that you are so good at this game, you laugh at the people who warned you about it and then some day either you will get bored of it or something will happen which will heartbreakingly reveal to you that you've been fooling yourself with demo version of the real game.

When you are most naturally and instinctively with someone, everything that you learnt most essentially needs to be forgotten and you have to get used to the feeling of not knowing things. It will make you feel utterly vulnerable, it will humble you like nothing will, and it will scare you more than anything in the world. If you are lucky enough to cross the threshold of the left handed lovers and flings into something real, I cannot promise you a chunk of that rosy picture they call love, but I can promise that you will feel something so shockingly breathtakingly real that it will make you wonder, leave you amazed about the world and your existence.

It will be so disturbing to your consciousness that it will make you want to puke, cry, shout and scream and sometimes do all four in the same unbearable moment. But in moments where you stop grappling with it, trying to figure out what it is, trying to name it, trying to sustain it, trying to run away from it, trying to control it, in those moments and those moments alone, you will transcend to a place, where you will feel peace, your mind will slow down yet you will feel so alive, like something just set your brain on beautiful blue fire. A quiet implosion that reverberates in every fiber of your soul, your consciousness will take over. You will smile like a crazy person, ear to ear, laughing occasionally to relieve the muscles that are quite frankly exhausted of the smiling and you will tell yourself to please remember this forever and call it happiness.

What happens before and after is all relative to the two fools involved, (and yes we are all fools), but it changes us forever, for the better or worse, I do not know. All I know is that you can choose to feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have lived or marred by destiny, cursed to carry the weight of the pain and misery that comes with living. I still for one choose the former to the latter most days. Helps me cope, helps me get out of the bed in the morning. You can choose whatever you please, but please do get up, do live your life like a crazy adventure, do take risks, it was who you were meant to be.

Life has an infinite potential to surprise you.

To the weirdos!

We are everywhere.
Burdened with intelligence,cursed with constant unrest.Thriving in the maelstrom of confusion.
Absorbing ourselves everyday,loading ourselves with what we discover about ourselves.This is the way we are,we constantly create and destroy ourselves.No, we don't resolve anything,we don't feel better,we are just getting denser,that is why we are so intensely nostalgic about our past lives.

Impatient and burning fingers, we are unbelieving.We don't verify,challenge or discover truths.We choose the illusions we want to play with,by the whims and fancies of our mood and only we know we play with fire.No, it not heroic, we burn ourselves every day.

Observant, we pick up how you want to see us, and we play pretend sometimes just to amuse ourselves and sometimes for the sake of your sanity,but we leave glimpses of our real selves like clues(we know you would never find) sometimes just for fun and sometimes hoping that someone from one of us will discover us.No we don't despise you, we envy you.We are the only ones who can see how crushingly beautiful you are and the comfort of mind you enjoy.We envy you because you can let yourself be loved so simply and you can be  happy.No, we are not happy, we only seldom smile.

Alone, we eventually stop complaining of the loneliness. It is an anomaly if anyone of us can truly sustain the feeling that he or she is not alone.For most of us it becomes painfully unbearable and we end up hating ourselves for involving you and making you bear our personal incompetence.But sometimes a few of you inspire us to transcend our nature,a few of you distract us and make us focus on you and your sake. It is only in those sometimes that we slow down and have a drink of joy.
But we can seldom sustain this pace, we are instinctively made to hunt for our own kind and when we do,we devour them.In between the sheets of paper and bed,we gorge on the soul of our own kind. Ravenously we consume our own kind and that is why our survival solely depends on you.No, what seem the most passionate tales of love to you, are in fact the annihilation of our kind.

You fondly call us the dark and the twisted.We provide case studies for your psychological and social theories.Ever obliging  you with odd behaviors, helping you define and discover symptoms of psychological and social disorders.You the normal, the ordered, the sane, the happy,the reality.We the inexplicable,  disillusioned, convoluted, despicably cynical, contagiously miserable yet can-be-so funny.
No, we are not you and you are not us, but you are the placebo that holds us off the impending enticing drug that will devour us one more time, so don't be afraid, we are not an exotic kind.,we have been here and we will be here for a long time.
We are everywhere.
  

Orange juice in a tea cup.A plate with leftover ketchup from the midnight snacking. A switched off phone and another with a dying battery.A lemon post-it on the wall with a things to do list scrawled in a handwriting that doesn't seem like mine.Newspaper with rape stories, people dying stories and people lying stories.A laptop that is everything except mine.Eight tabs on the browser with more comfortably important things to read. Two almost available and five idle friends on the instant messenger.

It's just an itch.

You don't have to do this.You don't have to write.It was a kiddie thing that you used to do.And honestly can you even write anymore? Do you even want to write anymore? Are you absolutely sure?

And honestly what do even want to write about? You don't feel things anymore,you don't see beauty anymore..and yes I mean the over-exaggerated,unreasonably oversensitive approach..the incessant unnecessary histrionics..that throw you into a tumble dry of confused emotions and mostly leave you shaken and numb.You really want to be in a place where a sound,a smell,a picture or some words can make you smile or weep like a kid ? Do you want to give words that power over you? You've been doing so well...you've been coping so well my love...this new you...so sane, so normal... is working so well for you...why go back?

Lets just go read something funny or smart, online or find a new sitcom or a movie to escape to.

Switch on the TV.Nature channel,cartoons,music videos, travel and food shows.No?
Talk to somebody? Flirt? Argue? Or just listen to somebody vent?

Or just read something...anything...classifieds in the newspaper...the ingredients of this ketchup you just consumed...Want to eat some more? Drink some more?

Do whatever you need to do...get yourself your daily dose of dopamine...and some more...quieten your brain....do not write.

It's just an itch.

Back

Because without you, no matter what I do...no matter where I go....I feel like a ghost.