There is this invisible rubber string with which my mind remains tied to you..the farther I go, the more it stretches, the stronger it snaps back bringing me back to you .

But its okay.If memories can’t be forgotten they can be pushed into the back with better ones.

I will beat every memory that we made with a better one.

Between Friends

AB:“I feel something’s missing. ”

ADG:“Aur kuchh?”(“something else??”)

AB:“Unloved.”

ADG:“Come on, is that even a word?”

AB:“I don’t know. I feel so different now. It’s like I’ve been to some theme park and now I don’t want to live in the real world”

ADG:“Okay. So you need to go back to your theme park or whatever, but please tell me you are going this time with someone else.”

AB:“Yes, I know. ..FYI the theme park makes me puke after most of rides, it is stupid and unreal..wastes my time and energy.. and is a lil expensive…yet I wonder why I want to go back…It’s not even fun you know??”
 
ADG:“Well you never got to the fun part.”

AB:“Can't you for once be serious???... And I will have “the fun”..when I want to…but yea I wonder if things would have been different if we had had “the fun”…I mean, I don’t know..”

ADG:“Baby, this is crazy. Sleeping with him wouldn’t have made him understand you better. It would have actually made things worse…for both of you.”

AB:“I know. It’s just sometimes in the middle of the night I just can’t figure out why we broke up..its like everything seemed to be so perfect.”

ADG:“Baby, in the middle of the night…everybody’s mind fucks up…we can’t reason, I don’t know may be coz our body runs out of food or something…or the hormones going crazy or something…it’ll pass.

You broke up because you weren’t meant to be. You weren’t in the same place in life.
He had a different point of view..a different way of seeing things, understanding things…yours was different…and yes you were both immature…he had his kid in him being stubborn…and you had this stubborn kid in you…and both the kids had a grand fight..
It’s always perfect in the beginning…what happens after and how people deal with it becomes the deciding factor on whether people stay together or not…
In your case my love,  the letters, the conversation, the actions after the big fight..clearly are convincing that you two are not meant to be…you should just let it go…”

AB:“Yea.. I know…there was this whole new person I got to see in him after I told him I wanted to get out of the relationship…that letter made me feel like I had been so deluded about who he was and what he felt for me…and the anger just exploded and made things worse…ahh forget it…I don’t even think I should think about it anymore…I’ve thought about it enough, I’ve hurt enough…I'm not going back to that place again. It’s just been a huge learning experience in my life.”

ADG:“That is the deal honey, we break our hearts and we learn something from it and move on…I wonder one thing though…You don’t love him…you clearly don’t want to get back with him..but then why can’t you talk to him?? Be friends may be??”

AB:“Yea I’ve thought about it…that may be it would be better if we could talk…find some closure…but I don’t think it would help. I know he’s mad at me because I am pretty sure he still doesn’t get why I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure he has no idea how guilty he made me feel when he just stopped talking to me after we broke up…when it didn’t have to be that way…he wasn’t a very good friend you see…left me when I needed him the most.

Actually, the truth is, he was never in for “being friends” deal..he wanted a relationship...from the beginning of it till the end…he never wanted to be just friends...and the moment I said no to the relationship thing, he said no to being friends…and I don’t know why that freaks me out…
I just don’t see the point of being friends with someone a)who is mad at me and b) who is friends with me only because he wants to be in a relationship with me.
Plus we don’t have a common friend group or something..its not like we’re spoiling fun for other people by not being good to each other..as fate has it…we are in a position that we can totally avoid each other and pretend nothing happened”

ADG:“Well I guess you are. Well then I guess it’s all cool then.”

AB:“Yeah..I’m almost 22 , I have almost no knowledge or skills, I have flunked the only exam I really cared about clearing and passed in all the other exams that don’t matter to me, my friends are separating from me, I don’t feel like going home…its funny, I almost feel like I went through a divorce…and the only thing I have gained is emotional baggage and some body weight in the last 4 months..yea.. I’m cool. “(half-smile)

ADG:“Divorce,my ass...save the melodrama..People break up all the time...It's life..“(half-smile)

AB:“I know. ”(full smile)

ADG:“Do you know my cousin’s  ******’s boyfriend doesn’t use a condom when they fuck??”

AB:“Shit, really?? Why on earth are they so stupid??”

ADG:“I have no idea. But she told me ….. …… “
(the remaining parts of the conversation are the really interesting parts ;)…but as it goes…the best things are never blogged or documented :P)

Picture Talking 2

And there are hundreds of pictures and they keep growing.Some better and some worse.

But these are the ones I love for reasons unknown.

(click on the picture if you want a better view)

  Deepika on the Peengh

       Location:Rock Garden,Chandigarh(March'2011)

   Dancing Couple.

          Location:Forest of Padhai,Shimla (April'2010)

               The left one is the female and the right one is the male.

   Home ground.

      Location:My home,Shimla(April'2010)

                The family hates my shoes.Ma has told me she's going to throw them in

                   the dumpster if I don't stop wearing them.Pa has offered me to please le

him wash them.I wonder why they hate them so much.

                                                                   Sleeping under the tree.

                                                     Location:Under a tree,Shimla(April'2010)

                                           "You win enough battles, you think you can do anything.

                                          Lose enough and you start to wonder if you should even try."

"What if i told you that every guy i supposedly fell in love with was just to get over some other guy i couldn't stand to be in love with.

My indecision has become my definition of myself.
I cannot stick to any thing.I change my mind every hour.I make excuses for not being focused.

To me life feels like a terminal disease or a fatal accident waiting to happen, so i don't see the point of anything you see.I find the idea of sex repulsive, masturbation gross and pathetic.I would be drunk every day if I could.Its just that i don't have the means and the people i live with would throw me out if i was in to drugs and alcohol that i don't do it.
I cultivate sadness to punish myself for small little things which I don't know why I can't just let go of.I hurt people sometimes just to help me justify the hurt I will later do onto myself.Its been years since I made friends with anybody, i mean really friends.Its been years since I tried to do something new.
I am addicted to pain,sadness and negativity.Loneliness helps to keep all these things on.
I have this unexplained self hatred that I don't know how to deal with.
I don't know if am good at anything in life, i have no dreams, no ambitions.I just like eating food, sleeping and watching t.v.I can't even cross the road easily, i don't even know how to light matchsticks, i waste half a dozen before being able to light one.On my worst days I just want to cut myself and bleed, yes that's the real reason why i donate blood so frequently.
I can whine and complain and criticize.I don't have the will or the courage to even give doing something about things a thought.I can justify my procrastination ,my excuses in the most fancy lines but the truth is i am just a quitter.i just lost all the reason to live, and i mean really live, long time ago and i have become so comfortable and used to being like this that i don't remember being any other way.
I have a bad attitude.I hate people most days of my life.I hate life most days of my life.I am a cold hearted selfish bitch mostly.To add to it I am arrogant and apathetic.I mostly pretend to listen to people but I don't really listen to them.
And when someone even comes close to reaching out to me, I muff out what they are trying to say to me by this psych rant which i have basically been doing again right now.
There,what do you think of me now huh???"

"I don't know."

"Precisely.
Lets just pretend we never had this conversation okay??"

"whatever, it has never been my call, has it??"

"fuck you."

Waterproofing

And what I hate is that you still keep making your way back into my life.

Everyday feels good in the morning, and just when I'm almost thinking,”…See…your okay…it’s okay..you’re gonna be fine…”,something or the other happens or is doomed to happen.
It’s mostly just a word I hear or read.Sometimes just a sound…a split-second visual.
A person or something random on the t.v or the newspaper or someplace,somewhere I go or just something I eat or drink.
The triggers are always diverse ,casual and unanticipated but they always know how to do their job well.
Leaving me drenched in you.
And in that moment it seems as if time has conspired with the universe and is deliberately unsettling me,by hinting you,suggesting you explicitly yet barefacedly pretending to not know the repercussion it will have in my soul.
But then there are worse days…
Days when time oversteps the line.
Apathetically,in some sort of listless mood, it sends huge things at me.Things that are too obvious to shake off lightly as coincidences,signs that point to you directly, almost touching you and those are the moments in which I almost suffocate and run to the open spaces for air.

And I hold myself up,that its going to just a few more days like this,I'm not the only one,people get over things all the time.
"Be patient.
Memories will blur, realities will blunt.There are urgent matters at hand that need your attention."
And I get up everyday,with chafed skin and bruises from the drag I take every night.
Every time I fall during the day,I get up,I shake the dirt off of me,I wash the dried blood and start again.

Waterproofing every hole in my present so that my past cannot make its way back in.

Waterproofing.

The Comment

what you say and the way you say it
the things you write
the pictures you use
the music you involve
the way you make them see things and make them believe and hope
the illusions you create and sell

YOU
and what you call your art
should come with a warning.