The Last Post

The Week (Sometimes)

Monday's..i step forward with my hopes all high and my best cards up my sleeves...everything seems possible...everything seems okay...and just when i have almost believed that...it all comes crashing down...
Smashed and sloshed...my spirit spills out..and my body feels like a distorted mass of protoplasm.

Tuesday's..i understand where i went wrong on monday...still a little numb from falling...i try once again keeping the mistakes of monday in mind. Tuesday is more analytical more objective.Tuesday gets work done...making me think that may be yesterday was just a bad day.

Wednesday's..i get sick of the good days and bad days...i get lost halfway in between..i get confused...enemy or friend...falling in love or getting over..i cant decide..which way to ride or weather to cross the roads and if now is the time.

Thursday's..the most jealous day...tired and blue..hateful and cursing...a wait for Friday..

Friday's...are good..plan how i get healed of the damage done in the week...plans which digest what i took in..cleansing of the remnant shreds of soul.

Saturday's ...i live to prove things are not as bad as they seem...i live to prove them wrong...and to prove to myself that i'm still there...barely alive...barely myself..but I'm still there.

Sunday's...are short like the wink of an eye...an apologetic hug cause it knows I'm going to have to go again there again on Monday...Sunday is my friend that i always wished my lover was more like...but i can't fall in love with him...don't know why.

Waiting

I am waiting
Waiting for the day when you walk down a busy street and all you can think about is me
Waiting for the day when you start missing me in a room filled with your favorite friends
Waiting for the day when you realize that all the girls you keep finding me in are not really me
Waiting for the day when you can’t focus on the work you love so much because of me
Waiting for the day when you start feeling me in the soft morning sunshine
Waiting for the day when you start feeling me in the wind that runs through your hair
Waiting for the day you start singing your favorite love song in your heart for me
Waiting for the day when you put talking to me on top of your list of important things to do

I am waiting
For you to see me
The way I see you.

I am waiting.

I asked my God about you today.
He said you were okay.
He said that He'd take care of you.
He said that He'd do something about it.
So don't worry...we're in excellent hands.

Regret

Even on my worst days
the only real regret i have in life,
is that i didn't hug you when i had the chance to

You see i had broken everything i had touched before
and i didn't want to break you.

They later told me,I broke you anyway.

some times i feel I'm a letter making my way to you through bad weather
and the ink of the letters is getting all faded and washed
the paper is becoming crumpled and dirty and a little torn
and i wonder if you'll be able to make out what i was meant to say
just remember
i was a love letter.
a beautiful one.

It’s a typical winter morning…white and cold…and I'm still in bed thinking of reasons good enough to get out of bed…I have been like this...wide awake...for more than two hours now….you could say I'm blessed that I have the time and the luxury to do this….to just lie dreaming and thinking about things in my cozy bed…but I know in my heart it isn’t…thoughts and dreams do not replace action…thinking about living a certain way and actually doing things are two separate heavenly bodies with the former being the natural satellite of the latter…like the earth and the moon…and no matter how beautiful living on the moon seems to me the truth is that there is no air to breathe there…I cannot live there…I belong to the earth and its time.

Its like when all the forces in my life that are at war with each other have got tired and forgetting their differences have all come together at the end of the day for a chat and a drink.They are all loose and emotional and they are revealing their darkest secrets to each other and while they rant I look on and smile , I see Time who is sitting right next to me…looking on and smiling too.

I like talking to Time….mainly because the guy knows about everything that’s going on in my life right down to the details…he never has an advice or opinion to offer but he’s a fair guy…I like talking to him. We talk about random stuff and after we’ve finished our drink I sigh and say what I'm not supposed to say to him, ”What happens next????”…he gives me smile and disappears…leaving me wishing that I hadn’t asked him that… I was having such a good time with him and now I miss him already.

While I sit alone I realize and wonder how much choice do we really have in life????
I cannot choose the people I love…believe me…it’s an illusion if you think you do.
I cannot choose the people who love me.
I cannot choose what I like or dislike…it is my nature…it is what it is…who I am.
I’ve lived in an illusion all my life that I have been choosing things…making conscious decisions but the truth is everything has actually been choosing me all the this while.
It is a little disturbing… yet it doesn’t make me feel powerless over my life…it strangely empowers me…calms me.

Life is not complicated….its just really curly right now……and its okay…it is actually beautiful … like my curly morning hair. As the day goes on maybe they’ll straighten out on their own…and even if they don’t…I don’t care…I like them this way anyway.