18th November,2011

 Don't.
Just let me be here.I need to be here.
You know me.I won't cry.

I don't know who you had become all these years but I am pretty sure it was something more amazing than what I knew you to be.
It has been six years.I don't know the girl who made it to IIT D.I don't know the girl who studied there and got a job in Mumbai and was working in some premier software company.
I knew you from long before that.
You were my first best friend.
They say you were like my soother on my first day of kindergarten.I wouldn't stop crying and your Mom told my Mama to make me sit beside you and within minutes I was talking to you and waving happy goodbyes to our mothers.
We must have hung out together for almost five years.
I remember the little slide in th corner of the playground we used to play around.
I remember you always used to get a banana for lunch.You used to peal it all at once and then break it in pieces and eat it.
I don't remember what we talked and the games we played and the one reason I don't remember stuff is coz everything was so happy and smooth.I don't remember having even a slightest tiff with you
Then came the third form.You got an appendectomy done.You missed school.I missed you.And you called me from the hospital.And I was all chirpy and your voice sounded weak.I worried a lot about you.I'm sorry I didn't come to visit you.I never told you that but believe me it remains the first real regret of my life.Because of you I have tried to be the best friend I can be to all my friends thereafter.But you know what I never could find a best friend like you.
We drifted apart.Our sections wern't the same anymore.We had our separate runs in that beautiful school.
We fell in love with good books, good music,good movies and the mysteries of life separately.Most days I'd talk to you in the school bus in the morning.We were so inquisitive and curious then.We loved Harry Potter.You had a crush on Johnny Depp and his high cheek bones then.
March 2005, after the boards I gave a black small box with two nothings for your birthday.One was a moonstone heart locket and the other was a small wooden guy broken off a key chain.I gave you that coz those two were the most prized possessions of mine at that time and I had a feeling we would grow further apart like we did, so i wanted it to be most special, most rare.

I know you know it.You were amazing.
You were above the trivia.The real thing.
And now you've beaten us all to it.
You've flown.
They offer me details of the car accident but you know I don't want to know.I don't care.
They've all written on your fb wall, I don't like it.
I see in your profile picture.You seem to be flying in your orange graduation robe.Flying towards heaven.
That is what I want to remember.
I want to remember that you had a hell of a time in college.You had friends that loved you.You were in a beautiful relationship with some very lucky guy.You went to places and saw life...yes you were the pride of a small town...pride of everyone who knew you..but you know baby for me...all I wondered was about you..and it turns out you have done a beautiful job of your life and I am just so happy for that.

The kind of person I knew you were,I know you wouldn't mind leaving soon because that was just the kind of person you were.Above the grudging,above the complaining.

Of all the promises I didn't keep.Of all the times I avoided you.Of all the weird behavior.It wasn't about you and I am pretty sure you always knew that.

 I want you to know just two things.
I still love you from a four year old heart.Love that doesn't even know it is love yet.Love that knows no loss or complications.Love that is as simple as holding each others tiny hands for no reason.
I will take you in my heart.Wherever I go.As long as go.

Nunnu please know this.Please.Okay.

And meet all the fabulous people in heaven.I know you'll make the best of everything there too.The world is too shitty anyways hun' have fun watching us over and have a good laugh every time I screw my life,only you are allowed to do that.

I love you.

Okay

It is okay .It is okay if I was his mid life crisis and he was my PMS gone wild. I was the bike, he needed a car. 

I think it was enough, I think it was beautiful and in the end it was fair.

I think if you can find peace and comfort anywhere in your life that has to be good. So if you send me back in time I would still make the same choices, and the only reason why I am so sure is that I feel no resentment, or anger, or regret or anything even close to that. I am not a greedy person. I call him greed and not a want or a need because that is the truth. Greed harms you and other people .I can hang on to either one of those disillusions that I want him or need him but I choose not to. I choose not to spoil it by trying to make it last forever even when I don’t want to just because that would be the noble thing to do. I like it this way.

It is odd how you can find the most startling things at places where you least expect to find them, in places your not even looking. You stumble upon things, you hurt a little, but you walk away with a little dust of life. You discover yourself through people you least suspect can leave an impression on your life. Sometimes you discover things you like and sometimes things that break your heart. You see yourself; it is almost a biopsy, my disillusions, fears, vulnerabilities and all the other mess .Who I am, who I am not . Guess that breaks my heart a little but given a choice I’d rather know because knowing, helps me. I cannot choose my flaws and fears but I can choose not to be limited by them, dragged down by them. So, I don’t apologize for not being in love. I won’t lie that I’m not heart broken. Sometimes you don’t have to be in love to be heart broken. You end up heart broken anyway.

sab khair hai bass meri rooh par teri rooh ke kuchh nishan baaki hai.

No it isn’t heart breaking. It fails to satisfy my metaphorical needs.

The shattering and picking up shards of a broken “heart” doesn’t work for me.

I feel shot.

Shot at my chest.

And my gut.

....

"You know, every time I look at you, your eyes...I want to see him,I want to see his eyes.."

"Waaht??"

"I mean, if this the hurt on this side...what I see here everyday...in your insanely beautiful eyes...I wonder what his eyes look like...was he hurt as bad as this..or what does he feel... guilt...or denial...regret..anger..or complete indifference...what is there on the other side???"

"Okay, you just called my eyes insanely beautiful...so im just going to filter that out...and by the way why do you even care about the other side??"

"I don't care...you still do...I'm just curious.."

"So is it that obvious??"

"You could  wear shades in front of me...or I could start looking at the rest of you...which by the way could be interesting"

"Perv"

"What??...and now I've got you worried"

"Shit...i really wonder sometimes if it will go away...I really want it to..."

"Give it time...you'll grow out of it.."

"That's what worries me...how much will i lose myself...the child in me...to grow out of it..ahh forget it, life's okay...I love these jeans,I love this red wall,I still have two chocolate bars in my bag pack"

"Can I have one??"

"How could you even ask??"

My First Night (i mean night shift all you dirty people)

10pm to 7am

No,its not the same as spending the whole night doing things you like.You work and you can't sleep at all.

"Snuggle while you can"

Amen.

"I'm sorry,its just that I am contagiously sad right now...and I just don't want to rub off my blues on you or anyone...so could you just forget about me for a while...pretend I'm on a happy vacation or something...and we could pick it up from where we left it some days later???"

Dairy Entry

Some days I go out to the office just to find a reason to quit...and then i think, shouldn't this fact alone suffice my need for a reason to quit.

I'll tell you about my work today.I work as an alarm monitoring engineer in a leading telecom and networks company.
There  are sites from where your phone receives network.Commonly they can be identified as towers on which round and rectangular antennas are mounted.Among other equipment on these sites there is equipment that tracks the proper working of the site.When something is even slightly off than usual this equipment generates alarms.These alarms are transmitted to a central location where they are continuously monitored.I monitor these alarms in that central location.When I see something is not okay I inform the site engineers and tell them to go check if everything is okay at the actual site.We keep up the network so that your phone always has a good signal.So that you can always connect.So that people can always connect with you.So that you are never alone.
There are a lot of others things that I do as well but the rest of it is just process to make this alarm monitoring thing very efficient and well documented.

I work in eight hour shifts,almost continuously.I cannot let my terminal unmanned so taking even a five minute break is a problem sometimes.I was promised a five days a week schedule but till now all my weeks have been six days.My office looks and operates like a call center except they don't give us the earphone cum mike devices and the recognition that it is actually a typical calling center.
The work is repetitive and beyond a point there is nothing to learn off it.But then I guess it is like that with most of the jobs.

Some days I feel like a life saver but most days I feel nothing but a telecom coolie.(we come after IT coolies coz they don't do night shifts you see).Everyday I find new reasons and underlying meaning to what they make me do.Try and make sense of it but lately all the sense of it has started not to make sense to me and the first cracks have begun to show
Writing this down is one of the many things I'm doing to hold it together.

"I just saw you and was wondering ...if you could happen to me...and if you could let me happen to you???"

The City

The seventeen wards of that hospital, my cousin’s house, the metro stations, the malls,training room 2, the floor of my office, my room,the balcony.
Pieces everywhere.
Some mornings, I feel like going to all these places,picking up the pieces and putting back the heart I came to this city with.And then taking off to a place where no one can find me.

One morning, maybe I will.

This city is a whore. Fucked by anyone who can. It has children it cannot take care of, left abandoned on the streets to fend for their soulless bodies or bastards tucked away with money, soulless nevertheless.

She lies drugged in smoke, reeking of novel odors I did not know existed. She entices me for a smoke and something more.

I see her, smell her and every night I hear her whispering in my ear.

Time and money Count.Rate.Label.

No, don’t you dare laugh or smile, your happiness is offensive to us.

No, don’t you dare raise the temperature of this room, we keep it so to match the coldness of our manner.

How dare you be nice?? Showing off huh?? Let’s see how long you last bitch.

Do us a favor, die or get out, at least then we can replace you by a non problematic version of you and get on with our lives.

There is this foul sarcastic apathetic lascivious spirit that floats here. Paranoid and afraid.

But yes, if there is something I can give to them is the fact that they can put up an act.

The circus goes on every day.

I laugh at myself every day. Whenever I look in the mirror, I can’t but laugh.
I come up with the most hilarious things now a days.May be the humor comes tailgating the misery.

I"m not nice, I'm just alive you morons. Only if you knew what it is to be nice you would know the difference.

I know I have to get out, just get what I want, and get out.

One morning, I will.

Another post ( I'll regret posting later)

Just another day.
Packaged in a body 5 feet 2 inches high.I live or attempt at something called life
Its one of those "not okay" days.

I love the supermarket.I like getting lost in the alleys looking for nothing and always finding something.
Picking up things randomly. Reading the back of products.
I like looking at people in the supermarket.Eyeing what they are buying, more importantly what they are touching yet not buying. The look on their faces when they put things back on the shelves and the look when they put things in their shopping cart.
Sometimes, I look at my friends faces when they watch TV.It is more amusing than watching TV.
I look at people while they wait. In waiting rooms and bus stations.People traveling in buses.People who walk past me on the street.

I see all of them.
I feel like talking to them.
To some I want to say,"Its okay...I think your beautiful", to some,"what are you waiting for??", to some,"You shouldn't let go of anything that makes you smile like that" to some," what's somebody like you doing in a place like this??" to everyone there is something...the thoughts, the words are not important...I just want to tell them...I SEE YOU..

From people shopping in the supermarket,to the guy who comes all alone to watch the movies, the guy who sells ice cream,to people who walk in the park I walk in sometimes...there are irresistibly interesting to me...

But I can't.Something chokes everything.Something has grown within me.It pulls me back.Mutes everything.

It stops me from talking to people.It stops me from making new friends.It stops me from telling people I love that I love them.It stops me from hugging people and asking people to hug me.

But it the same thing that keeps me sane.The same thing that keeps me from breaking down when I can't sleep at night.The same thing that holds me back from calling certain people I shouldn't call. The same thing that stops me from taking the first bus out f here and getting lost somewhere forever. The same thing that holds me from flipping out and considering harming myself.

I want to do tequila or pani puri shots right now, heaven would be pani puri with tequila as the pani...

Random

Life seems to be putting  a small * with everything that i find good .And when you go to the end of the text and read the conditions in the fine print of *Conditions Apply, you realize that there's nothing really good about it.

We don't get to a live an edited version of life, we get to live the full version.
phone calls,chocolate cake, chilled coke and something,stomach cramps at 4am, pill popping at 4am,more phone calls at 6am,wind,non subsiding pain,another pill,rain,dancing in the rain,getting really wet, sleeping for a couple of hours,forgetting to dry the hair,getting up with the curliest hair ever,18 missed calls,3 new messages,fever,the mother of all headaches,two phones that won't stop ringing,talking happily,pretending to be "okay",body aches, damning the dancing in the rain,pill for fever,pill for headache,Disprin dances and dissolves,bottoms up,dragging to the washroom to clean up,cold water, favorite check shirt and creme half pants,sipping chilled water,glucose biscuits,wallet,heat,sweating,the class,strong piercing air conditioning,riding back home,shut up phones please,feeling alone,damning the placement drive that stole the gang from my bday,watching cartoons,discovery and.some ads,bath no.2,taking care of the wild hair,waiting for friends,baby pink tshirt,white unbuttoned shirt,creme lose half pants,looking  good,3b2,Dominoes,5 phase,Ice Cream parlor, one hysterical phone call, pacifying Maa, more calls, home, more t.v, typing my head out,music,sleep or something like it.

22

let that be enough..Switchfoot

The eight lane road with embedded orange and red lights that blink.

Sitting on the pavements we chased.

But that was a long time back.

Breathe.

We need to do this. We came to say goodbye. We promised we won’t go back.

It is dark and if I don’t blink for while everything becomes a blur.

The road hasn’t changed. We have. Life has.

May be I am staring too long and forgetting to blink.

May be that’s why, the most beautiful memories today, seem to be nothing , but a blur.

Verified

Unlearning is the toughest process.

Unlearning a habit, an attitude, a mind set is more challenging than taking up a new one.

Unlearning to love someone is harder than falling in love.

No, it is not adapting, or changing for the better. It is about forgetting who you are and redefining yourself.

Yes, you have to compromise. Replace yourself and be okay with it. Euphemism,”embrace change.”

The world belongs to people who unlearn.

There are distinct moments in life when you get a choice. A choice between honesty and lies.

A choice between love and lust. A choice between taking up responsibility and walking away. A choice between actually giving a damn or apathy. A choice between believing and not believing.

There are no middle paths. Life fazes out the distinction between these choices. It will try its best to camouflage these distinct moments with all the other nonsense.

There are no wrongs or rights to these things, but there is always an easy way and a tough way. A shorter way and a longer way.

If something you do can be digested by your conscience, eat it. If something you do doesn’t, well digest it this one time and try not to eat it again.

There will be some shit in your life. Get it out. And flush.

The world belongs to people who flush.

There will always be questions. There will always be possibilities and scenarios. There will always be insecurities. There are no absolutes to life. No perfections other than what you create.

If you have people who are like your sun block, quietly and transparently protecting you when you are out playing in the scorching mid day sun you are indeed lucky.

Love is a simple personal question. Stop complicating the answer. Art complicates love to market life. Find something that you want, create something that you want. Remember that the ads are not true, the standards they set are not real. No matter how beautiful it is, at the end of it they’ll call it nothing but foreplay.Don’t listen to them.

The world belongs to people who don’t listen.

I no longer wish to find myself for I have realized there is nothing to find. All that there was, nothing remains of it today.

Along the way some I bartered, some they stole and some I threw away.

 I feel loss. And I have accepted sadness as the part of the new me.

But there is this looming void.

In this void, I want to create.

Create.

Me.

A better Me

Tired

My instrument lies quiet in the dark, dusty and forgotten

And I wonder if I should give it away to the kid that has music in his eyes

The blind reality wrestles with the hollow lies, love and hate salsa tonight in the spotlight

Mania and depression cultivated the fruit, anger and denial fed her the bitter sweet wine
On hope’s funeral, faith sings in a language no one understands

I feel like a forgotten book, marked up at a page

Waiting for myself to pick it up one more time and start reading again

They say that it’s getting late and that I should get going

But I just need my mind to fallow for a while

If and when I am back, I’ll ask for the time

And I’ll set my clock to your time.

There is this invisible rubber string with which my mind remains tied to you..the farther I go, the more it stretches, the stronger it snaps back bringing me back to you .

But its okay.If memories can’t be forgotten they can be pushed into the back with better ones.

I will beat every memory that we made with a better one.

Between Friends

AB:“I feel something’s missing. ”

ADG:“Aur kuchh?”(“something else??”)

AB:“Unloved.”

ADG:“Come on, is that even a word?”

AB:“I don’t know. I feel so different now. It’s like I’ve been to some theme park and now I don’t want to live in the real world”

ADG:“Okay. So you need to go back to your theme park or whatever, but please tell me you are going this time with someone else.”

AB:“Yes, I know. ..FYI the theme park makes me puke after most of rides, it is stupid and unreal..wastes my time and energy.. and is a lil expensive…yet I wonder why I want to go back…It’s not even fun you know??”
 
ADG:“Well you never got to the fun part.”

AB:“Can't you for once be serious???... And I will have “the fun”..when I want to…but yea I wonder if things would have been different if we had had “the fun”…I mean, I don’t know..”

ADG:“Baby, this is crazy. Sleeping with him wouldn’t have made him understand you better. It would have actually made things worse…for both of you.”

AB:“I know. It’s just sometimes in the middle of the night I just can’t figure out why we broke up..its like everything seemed to be so perfect.”

ADG:“Baby, in the middle of the night…everybody’s mind fucks up…we can’t reason, I don’t know may be coz our body runs out of food or something…or the hormones going crazy or something…it’ll pass.

You broke up because you weren’t meant to be. You weren’t in the same place in life.
He had a different point of view..a different way of seeing things, understanding things…yours was different…and yes you were both immature…he had his kid in him being stubborn…and you had this stubborn kid in you…and both the kids had a grand fight..
It’s always perfect in the beginning…what happens after and how people deal with it becomes the deciding factor on whether people stay together or not…
In your case my love,  the letters, the conversation, the actions after the big fight..clearly are convincing that you two are not meant to be…you should just let it go…”

AB:“Yea.. I know…there was this whole new person I got to see in him after I told him I wanted to get out of the relationship…that letter made me feel like I had been so deluded about who he was and what he felt for me…and the anger just exploded and made things worse…ahh forget it…I don’t even think I should think about it anymore…I’ve thought about it enough, I’ve hurt enough…I'm not going back to that place again. It’s just been a huge learning experience in my life.”

ADG:“That is the deal honey, we break our hearts and we learn something from it and move on…I wonder one thing though…You don’t love him…you clearly don’t want to get back with him..but then why can’t you talk to him?? Be friends may be??”

AB:“Yea I’ve thought about it…that may be it would be better if we could talk…find some closure…but I don’t think it would help. I know he’s mad at me because I am pretty sure he still doesn’t get why I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure he has no idea how guilty he made me feel when he just stopped talking to me after we broke up…when it didn’t have to be that way…he wasn’t a very good friend you see…left me when I needed him the most.

Actually, the truth is, he was never in for “being friends” deal..he wanted a relationship...from the beginning of it till the end…he never wanted to be just friends...and the moment I said no to the relationship thing, he said no to being friends…and I don’t know why that freaks me out…
I just don’t see the point of being friends with someone a)who is mad at me and b) who is friends with me only because he wants to be in a relationship with me.
Plus we don’t have a common friend group or something..its not like we’re spoiling fun for other people by not being good to each other..as fate has it…we are in a position that we can totally avoid each other and pretend nothing happened”

ADG:“Well I guess you are. Well then I guess it’s all cool then.”

AB:“Yeah..I’m almost 22 , I have almost no knowledge or skills, I have flunked the only exam I really cared about clearing and passed in all the other exams that don’t matter to me, my friends are separating from me, I don’t feel like going home…its funny, I almost feel like I went through a divorce…and the only thing I have gained is emotional baggage and some body weight in the last 4 months..yea.. I’m cool. “(half-smile)

ADG:“Divorce,my ass...save the melodrama..People break up all the time...It's life..“(half-smile)

AB:“I know. ”(full smile)

ADG:“Do you know my cousin’s  ******’s boyfriend doesn’t use a condom when they fuck??”

AB:“Shit, really?? Why on earth are they so stupid??”

ADG:“I have no idea. But she told me ….. …… “
(the remaining parts of the conversation are the really interesting parts ;)…but as it goes…the best things are never blogged or documented :P)

Picture Talking 2

And there are hundreds of pictures and they keep growing.Some better and some worse.

But these are the ones I love for reasons unknown.

(click on the picture if you want a better view)

  Deepika on the Peengh

       Location:Rock Garden,Chandigarh(March'2011)

   Dancing Couple.

          Location:Forest of Padhai,Shimla (April'2010)

               The left one is the female and the right one is the male.

   Home ground.

      Location:My home,Shimla(April'2010)

                The family hates my shoes.Ma has told me she's going to throw them in

                   the dumpster if I don't stop wearing them.Pa has offered me to please le

him wash them.I wonder why they hate them so much.

                                                                   Sleeping under the tree.

                                                     Location:Under a tree,Shimla(April'2010)

                                           "You win enough battles, you think you can do anything.

                                          Lose enough and you start to wonder if you should even try."

"What if i told you that every guy i supposedly fell in love with was just to get over some other guy i couldn't stand to be in love with.

My indecision has become my definition of myself.
I cannot stick to any thing.I change my mind every hour.I make excuses for not being focused.

To me life feels like a terminal disease or a fatal accident waiting to happen, so i don't see the point of anything you see.I find the idea of sex repulsive, masturbation gross and pathetic.I would be drunk every day if I could.Its just that i don't have the means and the people i live with would throw me out if i was in to drugs and alcohol that i don't do it.
I cultivate sadness to punish myself for small little things which I don't know why I can't just let go of.I hurt people sometimes just to help me justify the hurt I will later do onto myself.Its been years since I made friends with anybody, i mean really friends.Its been years since I tried to do something new.
I am addicted to pain,sadness and negativity.Loneliness helps to keep all these things on.
I have this unexplained self hatred that I don't know how to deal with.
I don't know if am good at anything in life, i have no dreams, no ambitions.I just like eating food, sleeping and watching t.v.I can't even cross the road easily, i don't even know how to light matchsticks, i waste half a dozen before being able to light one.On my worst days I just want to cut myself and bleed, yes that's the real reason why i donate blood so frequently.
I can whine and complain and criticize.I don't have the will or the courage to even give doing something about things a thought.I can justify my procrastination ,my excuses in the most fancy lines but the truth is i am just a quitter.i just lost all the reason to live, and i mean really live, long time ago and i have become so comfortable and used to being like this that i don't remember being any other way.
I have a bad attitude.I hate people most days of my life.I hate life most days of my life.I am a cold hearted selfish bitch mostly.To add to it I am arrogant and apathetic.I mostly pretend to listen to people but I don't really listen to them.
And when someone even comes close to reaching out to me, I muff out what they are trying to say to me by this psych rant which i have basically been doing again right now.
There,what do you think of me now huh???"

"I don't know."

"Precisely.
Lets just pretend we never had this conversation okay??"

"whatever, it has never been my call, has it??"

"fuck you."

Waterproofing

And what I hate is that you still keep making your way back into my life.

Everyday feels good in the morning, and just when I'm almost thinking,”…See…your okay…it’s okay..you’re gonna be fine…”,something or the other happens or is doomed to happen.
It’s mostly just a word I hear or read.Sometimes just a sound…a split-second visual.
A person or something random on the t.v or the newspaper or someplace,somewhere I go or just something I eat or drink.
The triggers are always diverse ,casual and unanticipated but they always know how to do their job well.
Leaving me drenched in you.
And in that moment it seems as if time has conspired with the universe and is deliberately unsettling me,by hinting you,suggesting you explicitly yet barefacedly pretending to not know the repercussion it will have in my soul.
But then there are worse days…
Days when time oversteps the line.
Apathetically,in some sort of listless mood, it sends huge things at me.Things that are too obvious to shake off lightly as coincidences,signs that point to you directly, almost touching you and those are the moments in which I almost suffocate and run to the open spaces for air.

And I hold myself up,that its going to just a few more days like this,I'm not the only one,people get over things all the time.
"Be patient.
Memories will blur, realities will blunt.There are urgent matters at hand that need your attention."
And I get up everyday,with chafed skin and bruises from the drag I take every night.
Every time I fall during the day,I get up,I shake the dirt off of me,I wash the dried blood and start again.

Waterproofing every hole in my present so that my past cannot make its way back in.

Waterproofing.

The Comment

what you say and the way you say it
the things you write
the pictures you use
the music you involve
the way you make them see things and make them believe and hope
the illusions you create and sell

YOU
and what you call your art
should come with a warning.

She can see herself…she can see her running shoes…feel her shoes bouncing off the metaled road that runs through the woods …the road..curving…rising…falling….the deodar trees that seem to be disappearing in the sky…the orange morning sunshine scattering through the branches and the needles…the sky changing its shade every minute….the still thin cold mountain air…she’s running fast now…and she can hear the pounding of her heart above the music through her headphones....and then suddenly she’s back…
The air is cold because the Boss just turned up the cooling…
She’s in the office…a place where everyday her necrophobic dreams plead her to runaway and never come back.
People work here…People keep calling people for work and numbers are dialed on speaker phones…the phones keep ringing….most days the caller tunes make the office sound like some trash radio station..

She works in a telecom company…and she hates phones. It wasn’t like that from the start..but today..don’t know why , she doesn’t like them anymore.
May be she’s been waiting too long for a phone call that she knows is never going to come…may be the phone just reminds her too much of him….his voice…her laughter ...the bad singing in the mornings ..and the sounds of his breathing while he fell asleep talking to her sometimes..
She hates it all today…the messages have replaced letters …and conversations have reduced to sms chat’s…she wishes she had been born in an earlier time, a time before the phones and the internet.
The mails, the messages, the six hour long phone conversations were nothing short of real art ….and today nothing remains of them.
May be if they had been something more tangible…if they had been on paper…if they had been more real…in flesh and sound …more life in them…may be then she would still remember them more vividly…may then she could feel them even when they are gone…may be then deleting them wouldn’t have be so easy and permanent as a click of a mouse or a compression on the keypad or touch on the screen of a phone..
Love and art..neither had survived. ..what disturbs her is that she feels bad for the lost art…not the lost love…may be she is a terrible human being …may be love and art is the same for her.
May be she should change her phone…but there’s no point …she already feels like throwing it away or running it under a wheel….and buying a new one won’t change the way she feels…and just in case if someday she actually flings it away…she’d rather be flinging a cheaper model…she laughs at herself…okay half a smile…but that’s not bad to start with.

Mayhem

And while i kill this thing we both created...this unreal world of happiness..i can almost see you horrified...and i realize how shamelessly numb i remain..i realize how i have always been like this..i have created the most beautiful things and then ruthlessly self destroyed them...and i thought if i created something not entirely mine...with someone else too in in...someone i truly loved then may be i wouldn't destroy it...but it turns out it doesn't make a difference..it makes things only worse...and while i destroy it i wonder how much of you will i destroy..and for that i am truly regretful...and i stand here sinful and sorrowful.
i can do a couple of things to make you feel better..do a couple of things to make you you feel how crazy i am so that you can tell the next girl you love what a psycho your ex gf was but the truth is im too tired to pull off any drama right now.

I am so sorry that my craziness,my confusions,my issues...and my lack of sensibility and common sense...my cowardice...my screwed up beliefs and ideas has caused and is going to cause( at least fr a couple of days) a lot of inconvenience and discomfort...emotionally.
i am sorry to have wasted your time and emotions for the sake of my curiosity and immaturity.

i need to get back to reality now.

The Last Post

The Week (Sometimes)

Monday's..i step forward with my hopes all high and my best cards up my sleeves...everything seems possible...everything seems okay...and just when i have almost believed that...it all comes crashing down...
Smashed and sloshed...my spirit spills out..and my body feels like a distorted mass of protoplasm.

Tuesday's..i understand where i went wrong on monday...still a little numb from falling...i try once again keeping the mistakes of monday in mind. Tuesday is more analytical more objective.Tuesday gets work done...making me think that may be yesterday was just a bad day.

Wednesday's..i get sick of the good days and bad days...i get lost halfway in between..i get confused...enemy or friend...falling in love or getting over..i cant decide..which way to ride or weather to cross the roads and if now is the time.

Thursday's..the most jealous day...tired and blue..hateful and cursing...a wait for Friday..

Friday's...are good..plan how i get healed of the damage done in the week...plans which digest what i took in..cleansing of the remnant shreds of soul.

Saturday's ...i live to prove things are not as bad as they seem...i live to prove them wrong...and to prove to myself that i'm still there...barely alive...barely myself..but I'm still there.

Sunday's...are short like the wink of an eye...an apologetic hug cause it knows I'm going to have to go again there again on Monday...Sunday is my friend that i always wished my lover was more like...but i can't fall in love with him...don't know why.

Waiting

I am waiting
Waiting for the day when you walk down a busy street and all you can think about is me
Waiting for the day when you start missing me in a room filled with your favorite friends
Waiting for the day when you realize that all the girls you keep finding me in are not really me
Waiting for the day when you can’t focus on the work you love so much because of me
Waiting for the day when you start feeling me in the soft morning sunshine
Waiting for the day when you start feeling me in the wind that runs through your hair
Waiting for the day you start singing your favorite love song in your heart for me
Waiting for the day when you put talking to me on top of your list of important things to do

I am waiting
For you to see me
The way I see you.

I am waiting.

I asked my God about you today.
He said you were okay.
He said that He'd take care of you.
He said that He'd do something about it.
So don't worry...we're in excellent hands.

Regret

Even on my worst days
the only real regret i have in life,
is that i didn't hug you when i had the chance to

You see i had broken everything i had touched before
and i didn't want to break you.

They later told me,I broke you anyway.

some times i feel I'm a letter making my way to you through bad weather
and the ink of the letters is getting all faded and washed
the paper is becoming crumpled and dirty and a little torn
and i wonder if you'll be able to make out what i was meant to say
just remember
i was a love letter.
a beautiful one.

It’s a typical winter morning…white and cold…and I'm still in bed thinking of reasons good enough to get out of bed…I have been like this...wide awake...for more than two hours now….you could say I'm blessed that I have the time and the luxury to do this….to just lie dreaming and thinking about things in my cozy bed…but I know in my heart it isn’t…thoughts and dreams do not replace action…thinking about living a certain way and actually doing things are two separate heavenly bodies with the former being the natural satellite of the latter…like the earth and the moon…and no matter how beautiful living on the moon seems to me the truth is that there is no air to breathe there…I cannot live there…I belong to the earth and its time.

Its like when all the forces in my life that are at war with each other have got tired and forgetting their differences have all come together at the end of the day for a chat and a drink.They are all loose and emotional and they are revealing their darkest secrets to each other and while they rant I look on and smile , I see Time who is sitting right next to me…looking on and smiling too.

I like talking to Time….mainly because the guy knows about everything that’s going on in my life right down to the details…he never has an advice or opinion to offer but he’s a fair guy…I like talking to him. We talk about random stuff and after we’ve finished our drink I sigh and say what I'm not supposed to say to him, ”What happens next????”…he gives me smile and disappears…leaving me wishing that I hadn’t asked him that… I was having such a good time with him and now I miss him already.

While I sit alone I realize and wonder how much choice do we really have in life????
I cannot choose the people I love…believe me…it’s an illusion if you think you do.
I cannot choose the people who love me.
I cannot choose what I like or dislike…it is my nature…it is what it is…who I am.
I’ve lived in an illusion all my life that I have been choosing things…making conscious decisions but the truth is everything has actually been choosing me all the this while.
It is a little disturbing… yet it doesn’t make me feel powerless over my life…it strangely empowers me…calms me.

Life is not complicated….its just really curly right now……and its okay…it is actually beautiful … like my curly morning hair. As the day goes on maybe they’ll straighten out on their own…and even if they don’t…I don’t care…I like them this way anyway.