Be my angel today…just let me stay here for a while
Hide me here for a while coz 2day I need to cry..
Today I can’t fake a smile…
Today I can’t runaway coz today it has all run into me..
Don’t ask me any questions, don’t give me any answers..
Just be my angel…and let me stay here for a while

Why so single???

"I LOVE YOU"
to say tht to someone i guess i should noe wat tht means..
the first word is where most of the problem lies..
"I"
i frankly still dont noe who i am(except the basics ofcourse)..let me find this I..nd let me find the YOU and then we'l get to the "love" later..



Its been 2 yrs in college nd now im know for a fact im graduating outta here single..
im sure more than anything else..HE is not here.. i wonder if it is wat i feel for this guy(THE ONE)that makes me think so wish so ...i hope ur not here..somewhere better..nd also coz i wont look for u here...no not here..but i do hope werever u r,u are happy,u are free..and im in your dreams ..i hope wereve u r,u still believe in love and goodness in people..u still hope..for a heaven with me..
sumday,somehow...ther will be a us..i hope in ways not describable im wid you..even though u r without me..

The truth is absolute…it is not relative to all the lies
The lies are relative to the truth

musings at midnight

tell me your story and I'll tell you mine..
tell me what you've left behind,what you miss,what your running away from and tell me what your running after...
tell me the truth behind the lies you tell the world,tell me the lies you tell yourself..show me the filth in your life...
show me your wounds and I'll show you mine,
show me your scars and I'll show you mine..
in the wounds,in the scars,in the blood,in the tears,
in the pain and hurt,in the anger and the hate,
in spite f all,in spite the damage,find me truly beautiful and then...call it Love.

the last day

its over...cant believe it is..it seems so unreal...almost like a dream
i wonder how something so meaningless can mean so much...
i got up in the morning to find everyone asleep..the thought in my head..God its over...God theres gonna be no time to breathe..

ya its official...ya its public..im crazy
but if a lil bit of craziness can keep me sane,can make me feel real and alive..yes im insane..
call me crazy..nd il take a bow.

mumbai

tanned and tattooed we arrive on a wet morning at mumbai...yes we're better..
a barefoot dash in th mumbai rain..for a coldrink i didnt even drink...yes ill remember the applause lol

yes we are cursed,but then if we are..we bloody hell might aswell take our beating with a fucking smile..
yes we are doomed..but in our doom..as we walk through the storms..
we feel,we live,we do it all together..
we learn to get alonginspite of all..
we look life in the eye and say we are alive..bring it on anytime...nd we'l stand and face it everytime..

alive

Baga Beach..feel so alive..see everything so clear...

I dont really like seeing myself in the mirror,but after a long while i saw myself not in th mirror bt in photographs im my camera...
i wonder when did the world make my smile so crooked.
wen did i become so cynical and sarcastic..
i see the sadness in the corner of my lips..
i see the arrogance in my jaw..
i see a girl who grew up too soon...nd nw wants t go back..but cant.

either i cant see anything or i see things crystal clear..
For me life is either awesomely beautiful or totally fucked up and the funny thing is both the things are right here so you cant miss anyone of them...that the reason why most of the times i end up laughing and crying at the same time.

DAMAGED

My favorite word nowadays..DAMAGED..synonym broken..
how did we get so damaged,
are we damaged beyond repair???
is there no way that someday,somehow we'll be the way we were..
we'll believe the way we used to believe..
smile and live the way we were meant to be.

Fighting back in a fight iv already lost…because its never over until its really over.

Nauseating sadness,
Something sinking in my chest..
Extreme pain…location unknown..
Tears that can’t be let lose..welling up my eyes if I'm not careful..
Any distraction will do..
Waiting for it to pass…
Breathing…

I miss the way I used to love people; I miss the honesty in that feeling
I miss the way I used to look at people, i miss my perception
I cannot justify the way I am, neither do I apologize

We live in a world where there is no time for second chances or even second glances as a matter of fact
A disapproving world that approves of nothing, its either not enough or not good enough
An unsure world where nothing in is guaranteed,
a world where the essence of life is diluted till we have a lot of everything but very little of what matters
we need to be driven madly blindly like machines to become achievers…inspiration is for foolish dreamers

a letter to my school teacher

Dear Mam,

So many times I have wanted to call you, last teacher’s day I did try but I wasn’t lucky and the line was busy.

I thought of emailing you but my heart doesn’t feel it’s the best way…so here I am doing it the best way I know…because it has to be the best way for you, Mam.

Where am I writing to you from…its some engineering college, somewhere in Punjab…I'm in 3^rd yr of my four year B.tech degree program, I’m doing okay.

It’s funny how even after years of being out of school I still have something like a school time bio clock running within me...subconsciously…in March I still get the feeling of something new beginning…in May I find myself happy for no reason sometimes humming hymns about Mother Mary(just the first stanzas with words forgotten but the tunes still intact )…in June I thank the Gods for my now Half yearly free birthdays(24^th June)…and boy o boy then comes July…the time when I feel the bio-clock the most…I find myself craving for poetry…most of it now comes from the music I listen to now(I find myself unusually digging deep into meanings which sometimes I'm pretty sure even the writer must have not have given thought into while writing the song),I read blogs which have poetry, go surfing on the net for anything that satisfies this craving...

Then comes the autumn...the happiest season…the season of the annual concerts…I'm sharp, I'm funny, I’m active ….also I'm reading some good books, watching some good movies…

Somewhere in the middle of it comes 5^th September…teachers day… the day’s a joke in my college(nothing but an excuse to bunk lectures)…but somewhere in between the cynicism…I still find myself remembering you…

I had been gobbling up things till you made me taste them …you made me taste so many things in life.

You made me taste literature, poetry…things I still get really bad cravings for.… even though I'm in a totally technical field now…

You made me taste elocution and other forms of public speaking….dramatics…and most importantly enjoy the taste of it…like it…love it.

I guess its not just literature, public speaking, dramatics after all….somehow it all becomes a part of inspiration…inspiration that drives people in their lives…makes them believe and hope.

Apart from what you taught me, You inspired me, you believed in me, you encouraged me…I did things which I was not even aware I was capable of doing… you taught me to always to hold my head high…whether I walked up on the stage to deliver a speech or… I walked in life.

I remember your angelic voice…it still reads the most beautiful things to me sometimes…

November sets in,14^th is not our day anymore…we’re not children anymore, we’re students…just students(or to-be engineers if u please)...I’ll remember the T.H children days how funny the performances were and laugh to myself(my friends will think I'm going a little insane but who cares)…then its time to shut up and concentrate on studies…December brings more of studying…January is a relief and happy holidaying…February is nice but mostly a wait for March.

I sometimes wonder why am I still in ways so stuck in the past. Why doesn’t this bio-clock go away? It scares me to think I'm still subconsciously living my school life…but then I calm down…I know I'm living in the present…life wouldn’t be so real if I wasn’t.

The bio clock doesn’t go away because it is so deeply embedded in my soul by the pure happiness and sheer joy of the experience of my school life. The bio clock is an impact so strong that it runs through me even today...This impact is so strong because of you and some other very special people in my life…and I feel so lucky to have you all in my life…so blessed…so thankful.

Thank you mam…thank you so very much.

p.s:. Sincere apologies for my degraded writing skills…I know this letter sounds like a culinary discussion somewhere in the middle (guess I was a little hungry when I wrote it ;-p) but I really hope that this disillusioned piece of writing gets across my message that.. In some college, somewhere...for somebody…some things will never change…I absolutely remember you.

if every moment you feel you should be some place else,doing something else,being somebody else,with someone else,
if ur on a path that leads to th opposite direction of wer u actually wanna go,
if everything you want to say is lost in translation to a language you cannot learn,
if u are haunted by urself,wat u are, wat u used to be, wat u will b,
if ur bent on self destruction,self abuse..and have become so addicted t pain tht u dont remember wat it feels to b right,
if youv craved for normalancy,stability,peace more than anything,
dont worry Im with you..

realisations at midnight

love is simple.faith in God is simple..rest of th things are complicated..dreams are simple..belief is simple...give me these things..give me my simplicity back and clear the confusion...tht bursts my head tonight..
wat if everything is a coincidence...everything love,beauty,gr8tness..is accidental...and y does sacrifice and tragedy hav to underline greatness....im i finding more meaning 2 life than ther actually is..
wat am i afraid of..i am afraid of not being enough..im afraid of being afraid...im afraid of things not turning right at th end..i am afraid of dying alone..i am afraid f never falling in love...i am afraid of not living enough..not writing enough..not doing enough.not seeing enough..to say...i lived...bt th question is hw much nd wat is enough for me???

a verse

I do not noe from were to begin..ther is so much to tell
I do not noe were it starts or wer it ends
Before the diaries get lost or burned,
Before the ink fades into oblivion,
I shall write it here if I can and make it immortal for my sake and yours
Before some1 comes and wakes me up from this slumber in which I dream
Before u and I grow up and bid farewell to this insanity and become normal
Hear me..and Il hear u..and in the hearing and the speaking of nonsense
Let us discover the unspoken words, the implied meaning and sense f our nonsense.

why write????

Who am I? I am you in so many ways and in so many other way I am only me.
I am out in a world were the hardest thing I am finding to do is to remember who I am. I have been through a time were I became something I never wanted to become and the worst part is,it made me forget who I was in the first place. Immersed in darkness of the question of who I am and the purpose of my life, Immersed in the darkness of loss..loss of my faith,loss of direction, loss of conviction, with so many questions springing to mind at once that they all become indistinguishable, the answers are within me but I can reach them only if I reach myself, I feel worse than a person with amnesia. I can only reach myself if I stop being afraid, I can only stop being afraid if I face what scares me, get out what my being wants to scream out loud and break free of the shackles of the hate, jealousy and callousness. Guilt and blame can ruin so much of your time and your life.

i am tired, tired of this slumber, tired of waiting for someone to come and show me the way .im tired of closing my eyes to some things which some believe I should not see, some things that the fear inside me makes me shut my eyes tight and turn my head away, but over the time I have realized you cant walk away from something that walks within you, it does not stalk you but you stalk it, because you’ve never had the courage to overtake it and face it and find the answers to the questions that wont let you walk light.

I have run out of excuses. Excuses that let you lie in the comfort of denial, excuses to let you sleep when its way past time to get up. Excuses of the dangerous kind, lies we tell ourselves, worse than lies others tell us. Lies so beautiful to look at, the reality so grim and hopeless. I try to hold on to the reality but it stifles the air out of me until I let go and go back to the slumber of denial, so I write, because when I write I am cornered. When I write my conscience which won’t ever give up on me, tells me to slow down and have a calm talk. A talk were I realize I know all the answers, I talk were the problems that worry me all day long have ready and creative solutions, a talk that brings forth matters far more serious and worth thinking about than the trifle worries of the day.

May be I don’t know what I want
Or may be I know it too well…

notes from my cell phone (probably gonna delete thm so thought il put thm here)
Monday morning dark blues,e003 e block i.e.t bhaddal
Dirty jeans,half tied shoelaces,hair that make no sense,specs last rescued from dont noe where..cleaning them and wondering weather its the specs that are unclean or my vision going bad again...
was it th food i ate last nite,was it the sleepless hours i spent listening t music which didnt helps either,was it the shock i woke up wid again way past time 2 wake up..brushed my teeth half asleep..pee..shit..wash my hands and stare at th running water...find my towel if it still exists,,find my undergarments if they didnt get chucked by the kleptos n th hoostel..bathe wid cold water...emerge numb...find a clean t-shirt,sunscreen,deo..n then no tim for breakfast,locating note books and incomplete files last dumped don noe wer wich room f th hostel..pens..dont noe whos is th one m writing wid 2 day..nd wether it will wrk wen th lecturer dictates or weather il jst hav t fake it again nd write wid invisible ink turn my page wen sum i actually writin does..phone wid dying battery...
headache coz im hungry,headache wont let me listen t th teacher,headache coz i didnt sleep well last nite,headache coz my friends cant get wat i feel rite..headache hw badly i wanna feel alright..headache i wish i had spoken 2 som1 abt ths last time..headache as f i gt drunk last nite..headache tht driving all hopes frm my life (damn the sunshine blinding my eyes)..headache coz every1 thinks im alrite..headache coz sumthings killing me inside.....
headache coz i wish my dreams hadnt died..nw i dont even wonder wat will happen in my life..headache wer did i lose my friends sight...damn th headache,damn th reasons tht make no sense t me nw..
headache i wish i cud lie in fresh white snow..headache i dont noe y im here..i hate th reasons tht im here..i hate it even more coz none f thm make ani sense 2 t me animore...its official...life is defintely screwed,somethings definetely wrong.