i know You are there

In my resilience I observe,I wonder and life makes me realize that something is there..
Something that watches over me…someone on my side
Someone still giving me a chance
Someone who knows my story and its end
Someone who knows me and believes in me even when my self belief ends…catching me every time I fall.

the druggie

12.46am,Sunday.
He was so fucking beautiful, unearthly
God I wish i could bring him home,
God I wish I could take care of him,
His face…hauntingly beautiful…sunken eyes circled by grey…red lips…black hair…mauve shirt..on the electric blue bike…
He was so beautiful, so perfect and what he had done to himself was shaming everything..
I saw him and was so caught by him..
I wanted to scream and cry at the same time…but all I could muster was silence…
He was crippling my soul with his sad empty eyes…
It wasn’t cold yet something had frozen me…
The pain, the cold made me look away…
I wanted to know his story, I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault..
His eyes spoke of a soul raped and bloody..something about him gave me goosebumps…something in him scared me..something in him gave me a glimpse of hell…
And I know I won’t see him ever again but if I do I’ll tell him…
Courage is to live…

Playing With Food

we were having noodles in the college canteen when a noodle slipped from my friends fork and naturally made the alphabet 's' on the table..she laughed as it is the initial of her ex-crush..i had my share of fun when i tampered with it and curled it into an 'm' initial of a guy she particularly dislikes.

Questions better left alone

It’s me living a postponed life which keeps getting even more postponed each day, busy doing nothing , tired from doing nothing, nobody broke my heart but I'm still so heartbroken, I try to simplify things but in the end land up complicating them even more, I try every way of being happy and land up being depressed even more, my brain is asleep and I can’t figure a way to wake it up.

Inside me trapped is this crowd of people, for one nothings good enough, for the other, there are no expectations from me anymore and is so sure that I am meant to fail, In between them is a voice that tells me every moment to get out, to run away, from everywhere, from everything, to quit, as nothing is worth it. There’s this person who hates guys and convinces me that the only way I can be happy and peaceful is by spending my life alone, and then there’s this person dying to fall in love and convincing me that love is the solution to all my problems. Sometimes, I wish I could get rid of this crowd but no matter where I go they are all within me and they never shut up.

Why I'm such an extreme person, why can’t I even consider the middle paths of the world. Why do I think so much about the stupid things in life? Why do I fear so much? Why don’t I think rationally? Why do I feel so intensely? Why can’t I ever stick to a plan? Why am I so repulsive towards discipline? What am I trying to prove by screwing my own life? Where did this anger come from and why does it only self destruct? Why can’t I grow up and stop writing stupid stuff like this??

with love...always

And you can always call me when you are having a bad day, when the world is unfair to you, whenever you get scared or whenever you get angry or jealous…or just sad..
When there are reasons and when there aren’t..
When you figure out something new or when you can’t figure out a single thing..
You can always call me anytime in the night when you can’t sleep..
You can always call me when your heart breaks..when you lose something you can never find again..
You can always call me when you win something or something lost finds its way back to you
You can always call me when you get yet another crush..and finally when love takes your breath away..
You can always tell me about something divine you tasted…
You can always call me about the weight you lose or gain..
You can always show me the brand new stuff..tell me how well you bargained…
You can always call me after you cry over a movie or a book and tell me why you cried..
You can always call me when you get drunk..or high..
You can always call me you crash your car or lose your keys or your wallet..
You can always call me when you feel alone at home or if your feeling lonely at a party..
You can always call me when you make mistakes and blunders,
You can always call me to confess or to deny..
You can call me when you don’t want to or can’t call your family..
You can always call me and tell me about your dreams and your worst nightmares..
You can call me and ask me the stupid questions whose answers everyone’s assumed to know
You can call me and discuss the weirdest things in life, the things they never discuss
You can call me when all you want to do is talk to somebody
You can call me when all you want to do is hear my voice and talk about nothing
You can call me and tell me your story that no one is willing to hear
You can call me to tell the unheard reason..unheard truth
You can come to me when you want to run away from everything…
When all you need is a hug..
When all you need is someone to celebrate with..
When all you need is to do is to have a good cry or a good laugh..
You can call me..you can come to me…I just hope you know that..and just in case I never told you before.. I just told you now…
(for aditi,jims,agosh,depu,gurpreet and angel di)

A Susu Story

Just as the landscape began to get boring I realized a hot feeling in my gut. Unfortunately it wasn’t love... I needed to pee. On a bus that wasn’t going to stop in about next 3 hrs...how I was going to hold up, I wondered.

To calm my worries and doubts came flooding the memories of group elocution practices in school which had taught me more than recitation of poems…bladder control. The key was to focus on something else so intensely that you forgot how badly you needed to pee. The obvious distraction I chose for myself was music. I put on my headphones and tuned to radio stations of the city on my cell phone (iv always been a Radiohead)..after listening and switching between three stations on the radio for about 30 minutes I had discovered some things I had never thought of before, if you want to pee desperately but can’t then…1)Do not listen to very slow music 2)do not listen to songs which have lyrics about the rain or to music resembling the sound of dripping water 3)dance numbers are best(as one can imagine themselves to dance in their mind thus helping the situation)

Things were just seeming to get better when a glorious orange sun set in the sky leaving the air cold and foggy. As the temperature dropped I felt the situation get worse in my bladder. The damn Charles’s law was ruling me ‘temperature is inversely proportional to pressure’, I recalled. Thankfully the bus started going a little faster (may be the driver needed to pee too). I truly empathized with my friend Guri who had left the exam hall earlier in one semester exam than the finish time as she needed to go to the restroom, that day I had laughed today I guess the Gods were mocking me. Later Ma called me to ask me if I had reached, I talked to her for a minute thanking her for the distraction and telling her how badly I wanted to jump out of the window of the bus and pee, she laughed and that made me laugh and believe me you shouldn’t laugh if you’re trying to hold up, so I said bye and I quickly hung up. I started to concentrate outside the window, started to focus and read every sign board I saw until I came across a patch of newly finished buildings with to let sign boards which my mind read as toilet and reminding me how desperately I needed to go to the bathroom.

half an hour still to go the worst happened the lady sitting next to me started drinking water ,God knows how badly I wished I was one of those cute babies in the ads wearing a super absorbent huggies diaper… but none the less I did survive it and in the end come out dry only with a mild pain in my stomach.
I reached home and after letting myself in..i headed to the most fantastic place to me at that time…the bathroom and I swear to you to…to pee, had never been…so divine.

New Year resolutions

1st January 2010
New Year resolutions
1.To believe that I deserve what I want because the truth is you don't get what you deserve. You get what you think you deserve.
Be proud of yourself, of who you are. Respect yourself. Take care of yourself. There is no greater sin than self abuse.

2.To be happy, peaceful, funny, beautiful…to be me.
To be happy and peaceful I must do the right thing at the right time. I should be true to myself, fulfill the promises I make to myself. Be sincere towards myself. Be honest to myself. I must not lie, I must not cheat. I should remember who I am at all times. work hard, spend myself with the right attitude..keep a constant check on your thoughts and attitude..grow up,act your age,be responsible. Walk alone if you have to but never compromise on who you are, your priorities.
I must be good to others and help others whenever I can, without any expectations, because what I do defines me and what they do defines them.
Small people only want one thing from you:
Someone else to be as small as they are.
Stay big.
Protect your dreams. Dreams must be ground into bread and the bread eaten.

Stop judging people too harshly.
I must not lose my temper, keep my cool, and be patient. When I'm angry I will not be impulsive. Be focused inside, remember the promises you made to yourself, have faith in yourself.
Believe truly, surrender to it..have faith, trust God.

3.DO NOT BE LAZY. BE COOL BE DISCIPLINED. Plan and follow religiously, your work is your prayer. Do not postpone, it is a sin. Prioritize logically, recognize excuses, set smart goals and achieve them. do not discourage yourself encourage yourself constantly, inner motivation is the key. Envision success and work for it. do not ponder just do it

4.FINISH WHAT YOU START

Starting something great is easy but seeing it through is difficult. just stick with what you start, believe in yourself and do the right things. don’t slack, don’t get discouraged by anything, focus on doing the task well. execution of the plan is the most important. Dreams change the world, but only in dreams. there is no substitute for hard work/smart work.

5. Do not let the past discourage you.
Do not use it as an excuse to spoil your present. use it as a tool to make your life better. accept the experience without resentment or regrets. Mistakes have only one use in life, you learn from them. Have no regrets that you made them but under no circumstances repeat them again. Being perfect doesn’t mean you don’t fail it means that you keep trying until you succeed. Be smart and creative invent ways to dodge the mistakes of the past. focus on the present..its now, it’s your time.
Bullets that miss the mark travel just as fast…you missed once..you cannot miss this time.

6.Keep it REAL, don’t deny the TRUTH
1. You need a comfortable life, you need the money to travel, to write in peace, to live the life you want to. Work for it.
2. Are you committed to your dreams????
They don’t really care about you, you can find Him later. He is not here. Isn’t it enough, hasn’t it harmed you enough??? Your love life can wait, there are more important things at hand. You are at stake. Control the disturbances. Make the wait worth it.
Stop wasting your time and emotions on people who don’t care about you, in the end they will be nothing but distractions….stay away...you stay away, you don’t care ,it won’t hurt. You don’t have to save or change anyone. Grow up. Have faith, if it is so meant to be, he will come to you. Just one year keep the dream alive and safe but just keep it aside.
3.dont blame your circumstances. "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." Take control. Recognize the opportunity you have, recognize the potential. take what you have and make the best of it.
Don’t be so full of the things that you don't have that you don't have space for the things you do.

Don’t blame your parents. You are not your mother or your father, you are not your brother.
You are you, do it your way, do it for yourself.

Don’t blame your college or your teachers. Do it in spite of them, show them who you are , make them remember you.

4. Concentrate on inside, the outside can be managed. Don’t be shallow, and don’t care about shallow people. It’s just one year you can do all you want to do later.