Picture Talking

Its been raining like forever..the view today from the balcony (click for a better view)

This is Mama Mia...i used to talk to her sometimes when i was a kid...okay i still do but so what rite?

Roses

When i was little I'd go out and play almost everyday.
I wouldn't play with toys or board games or video games much.
Mostly I'd play all by myself.Mostly i would just look everywhere.Observe everything...touch whatever i could.
Pick up everything..rocks,grass,leaves,wild flowers,feathers,seeds...anything and everything was treasure...just stayed away from the bird shit and dog poo...i rummaged through everything in the radius I was allowed to play in.
Where i live has a lot of Deodar(Himalayan cedar) and pine trees...and I'd find pine cones and cedar roses.
I'd bring these gluey woody things home and keep them where i hid all the important things.They were usually thrown out during the spring cleaning (Maa used to hate them)...but i never got enough of them...they made me happy.
Girls love flowers and roses...i love cedar roses...coz if you take care of them they can last...forever.

Happiness

when nothing in life is working out the way you want
"happiness" is nothing but an attitude that says
"i'm going to let NOTHING fuck with my mood today."

"im fine"

i can't write something beautiful today.
because i don't feel beautiful today.
i realize that i see things like i want to see them and not as they are...my senseless perceptions...that i once found to be amusing...have started irritating me.

my inconsistency unabashedly claims blame for the wreckage..yet again.

i realize the need to change but
what if the things you need to get rid of are the qualities you love yourself most for?
what if what makes you, you,is standing in the way of everything you want and need?

i am sick of lying to people when they ask me how am i?? and i mechanically blurt out "fine" or something like "little hungry,but mostly good" or "hanging in there"

"how am i??"
the truth???
im not fine.
im angry.
im confused.
im disappointed.
im miserable.
and
i am so jealous of people.
people whose worst worry is the extra weight they must lose.
people whose hardest decision is what clothes or shoes to wear.
wanna-be's coz at least they have something to look forward to in their lives.
people who sleep in the bus while i cant stop my mind from worrying and working out things in my head that refuse to be worked out.

and you know what??? i have totally stopped biting my nails...because i find nothing interesting or scary anymore.

i don't find anything amusing anymore.
i can't find the patience to enjoy anything.
i cant bear to listen to music.
i find most movies absurd.
i cant focus and read...i just skim through stuff.
i don't eat..i dunk down food..even my comfort food.
i find things which i used to like repulsive.

i have stopped wanting anything...and the most disgusting thing is i am getting used to this...it is feeding the laziness.
i just want to want something again.
want it long enough till i can work my way to having it.
i have no plans and i cant gather the will to make some new plans coz i am sick of not sticking to plans and having to feel guilty about it or sticking to plans and yet nothing working out.

sometimes i laugh my guts out.
yes i find this miserable me..so unbelievable..so hilarious.

i feel that i have passed out..creatively,intellectually,emotionally.

starting all over?? from scratch???
im not even sure i want to...
im need a sign...a spark...

coz it rained and i got wet..nd im damp.

and i need to start drying up.
so till im all warm and fiery again...
bear with me
and my sad act
coz i cant lie to you
and say
"im fine"

You

and i sat with you in the sunshine...on the damp green brown grass
and i told you what i needed to tell myself
and i heard it all out loud
the truth that tears me apart...the lies that hold me together
the blame that imprisons me forever...the excuse that sets me free
you are the water i see my reflection in
the mirror i use to look at my soul
sometimes, just to examine the wounds, the fear, the courage
and in you i see so crystal clear
where i was, where i am and where I'd like to go
who i was,who i am and who i wont be.

i cant talk

words,phrases,sentences
notes,tunes,songs,
drawings,pictures,videos
whisper,talk,screams,shout
smile,frown,tears

nothing is helping me.

im here quietly waiting for it to comeback.

my silence,my apathy is not my choice

im sorry, i cant talk.

Routine

and you think the meaningless conversation
the casual hello's and goodbye's
the old jokes,the jargon,the gossip
the coffee you always hate and the food you never like
the smiles,the winks of the eye,the pat,the soft punches,the dragging by the pulling of the arm
the passionate grudges,crushes,hate,love,like,dislike
the phone calls about nothing and sms's about everything
the ever growing folder of photographs and the videos on your desktop
the sand that always gets into your feet
the grass that always wets your shoes in the morning
the door glass that you always check yourself out in while you enter the block

is routine....until it is there no more...and all what is left is responsibility and accountability...the uncertainty of the future makes you feel insecure and you feel the seriousness of life getting to you...and you are watching t.v and wondering about the people that used to be your life...but then everyone has moved on and so should you...
your routine has set you free but it still owns your time,a part of your life that you cannot have back...
so while your still there...make it worth while...your routine is the indelible ink you are writing your past with...write it well...more importantly make it beautiful.

woh bas ek palkon ke jhukne aur uthne ki kahani si thi

im going to get through.
dont know how...inspite of all.
i know i've been making the same mistakes yet again...the self destructive pattern repeats itself...but this time im not going to crash, im not going to let go.
im not going to let how i feel get in the way of what i deserve.
im going to get through.

she wore a baby pink dress and a tiara to go with it.
she was probably two or one and a half.
i couldn't stop looking at her.
She was there on the dance floor. She wasn't dancing.just moving with the music. Twisting in half circles,rocking to and fro where she stood, clapping her two little hands.
And i realized, with all the things that are so inconvenient,irritating and crappy about kids...there are these moments...moments that are so big that they make the disgusting stuff so small..her parents were probably having one of those moments...as for me i just couldn't stop looking at her and smiling like an idiot...and when i finally looked elsewhere it was all a blur and wetness at the corners of my eyes...and a voice in my head said,"seriously??",and before i could stop another one said right away, "yes,someday...if i am that blessed,yes."

Dear God,
Kill me or help me.

And then

And then there will be guys who make my heart skip a beat,
there will be guys making it to my blog and diary entries,
there will be guys who have dedicated folders on my desktop, full of pictures,music and movies which feature them,
there will be guys who's pictures will be cut out from newspapers and magazines,
there will be guys I'll ogle with my friends,
there will be guys I'll doodle about at the back of my notebooks,
there will be guys who will be the topic of endless gossip and stupid phone calls,
there will be guys who i like watching just coz they look like greek gods,
there will be guys i'll flirt guys wid just to keep myself occupied,
guys I'll smile at just to be polite,
guy's I'll listen to just coz i like their sexy voice,
guy's I'll fool around with just to have fun.

And then there always will be You.

i know

i know you still look for me.

in random parking lots.
in theaters and shopping malls.
restaurants and coffee shops.
on the road sometimes when your waiting for the red light to go green.
you go upto women who look like me only to find out that they are not me.
you squint to see who's driving whenever you see a car like mine.
you scan your mail inbox for my name.
you pick up incoming calls from unknown numbers expecting it to be me.
you scan the faces whenever you board a flight.
your last drawer still has my things and the things that remind you of me.
you eat the things i used to like to eat,even though you don't like them.

i know you still find me.

in music and movies that you know i love.
in the softness of your pillow.
in places we used to hangout in.

its okay.
its okay to look at my picture and hate me.


i know you'll be okay.
i know you'll get through.

sometimes i wish i didn't know.

sometimes i see the ants...how they are in such a hurry all the time...running like mad.
for what??
for food.
to and fro between the same two points.

and all i think at that time...i don't want to live like an ant.

Last Words

"I must tell you something I learned the hard way in life.
Some dreams come with deadlines.These are the deadlines you must really make in life.
In spite of everything going on in your life, never compromise on your dreams.Be selfish, think of a way, recognize the excuses.
Your dreams are your babies,take care of them,nobody else will.They speak a language that only you understand, you need to listen closely because they are the voices of your soul.
Some dreams come with an expiry date, use them before that date.Someday unfulfilled expired dreams will be the poison that kills you.
And yes,laugh.The world can't be all that bad a place till chocolate ice cream's there."

i was in love with someone like you...not you.

i took some fragments of my imagination and took some pieces of you...i lived in that picture...i knew that it wasn't real...and one day i realized how much little that picture was made from you....and so i let you know...and so i let you go.

yes,I'm sorry.
yes.I'm still in love with that person.
yes,he's not you.

Graffiti

"you think all mess...the dirty torn jeans..the loose t-shirts...the messy hair...the the nerdy glasses...make you look unattractive.
i have news for you baby...you're fucking beautiful to me."

And the prize I want is...YOU

One day
You’ll forget where you live
You’ll forget your messy room
The patterns in the paint on the walls,
The shapes on the plaster on the roof you talk to sometimes when you’re all alone
The routes of ants you know about, from where they come to where they go
The baby lizard you don’t mind hanging around in the room in spite of the fact that lizards make you squeamish
You’ll forget the feeling of being short of money
Of reading menus from left to right
You’ll forget the fantasies that you dream on the bus everyday
You’ll stop ogling the cars you like and lusting for gadgets you can’t afford
You’ll never have to think about the dirty dishes and the dirty laundry
You’ll never have to carry that bag pack and look for things in its chaos all the time
You won’t have to sought out jumbled earphone wires before listening to music
you’ll forget how much your roomate’s ring-tone irritates you every single time somebody calls her

You’ll forget what it feels like to do something you don’t like or even give a damn about
You’ll forget what it feels like to yearn for time to do something you’re passionate about, something that makes you happy
You’ll forget what it feels like to be guilty for messing up things because you were scared
You’ll forget the feeling of waking up to promises you couldn’t keep
You’ll forget the feeling of owing
The debts you’re trying to make
The risks you fear won’t pay

One day everything will be okay
ONE DAY LIFE WONT BE A THINGS TO DO LIST
It won’t be about the little things that bother you right now
Or even if the list is still there
Something will be written next to number one
That something will be –Him

That one day
You can call the adrenaline rush you get every time you see him
The palpitation when he smiles at you
The dopamine flood in your system when he’s around
More than chemical and physical reactions….something more than attraction.

Till then...hold on...hoping...that someday you'll make it to his list.

i have heard that the docs pump your stomach when they want to remove the poison.
can somebody pump my head...flush out the memories?
can some dialysis machine remove this from my blood?
can something..someone...make this go away?

and then i wonder that if i must waste my life someway...i'd rather waste it on you.

YOU NEED TO STOP
thinking that the tree on the road with white flowers is your friend.

YOU NEED TO STOP
listening to the woes of your landlady everyday,
intently listening and imagining the pain of her sick mother, her history of abuse that her mother-in-law dealt her, abuse that her husband still deals her..you need to stop killing your appetite by imagining horrors and pain of people.

YOU NEED TO STOP
writing in a handwriting that's not yours
eating breakfast as lunch and lunch as dinner

YOU NEED TO STOP
reading yesterdays newspaper today
reading soaked newspaper when you forget to pick it up before it rains
reading horoscopes just to mock them

YOU NEED TO STOP
being so dromophibic
considering ant murder as bad karma
assuming children with missing front teeth are innocent

YOU NEED TO STOP
lifting your leg when you are happy
jumping around when your happy
giggling on weird pitches when you are excited
showing it on your face when your sad or mad
getting bored so easily

Play

And some days I create my problems just so that you can solve them for me
To see that worried look on your face, the concern for me
To hear you lecture me about things which are good and bad for me
To watch you get so frustrated over girl problems which you try so hard to understand
To puzzle you and then give you a hint so that you can come up with the solutions
To see the heroism in you, to see you want to fight my battles for me or want to stay close behind when I fight them myself.
I know it’s naughty and so wicked,
But it amuses me and amazes me,
Toying with you, my sport for life.

Lucky You

If someone just said, “ I miss you./I love you./I need you.” ,to you.

If someone has been checking their phone every 5 minutes to see whether you’ve called or texted.

If someone prays for you, before praying for themselves

If someone can’t stop thinking about you whenever they look at something beautiful or when they taste something delicious.

If every song they hear reminds them of you.

If someone is waiting for you, even though they don’t need to wait.

If someone spared something for you even though they needed it more than you.

If without keeping you in the picture, they can’t take any decisions of their life, they can’t even dream a dream.


how lucky you are…
but you have no idea how much luckier they are…
I am so sorry to tell you, its not so much about you…its mostly about them...they are the really lucky ones.

ME...Dissillusioned since 1989

And one day when you are sitting alone, you will realize how disillusioned you have been about everything…
And you feel lost, you will realize how alone you really are,
You will see how wrong you’ve been all the way long
You will feel cheated and violated…with no one else to blame but yourself,
You will see yourself, and how pathetic you are and how you keep making the same mistakes again and again…you will start seeing patterns in your own behavior and behavior of other people
The child in you stops buying the lies you tell her to keep her happy and amused
The woman in you gets tired of cleaning up the mess the girl in you keeps making
You will see the ugly truths of life naked and you won’t be able to look.
Nothing will console you or soothe you..
And you won’t be able to identify with who you are..
Someone else will stare back when you look in the mirror
And for a while you will lose who you are..coz you hate the person you’ve been and the things you’ve done
And so you try and lose the whole of you in hope of being something a little wiser and older…more at peace with the world and yourself..
and you wish yourself..
Happy birthday..

i love..

I love reading in bed…I love reading something written personally by someone,
Anything honest, anything original, anything true, anything human…will do beautifully for me.
From articles and blog posts of total strangers, lyrics of living and dead songwriters, novels known and unknown…this is the art I love the most.


I love talking on the phone with people about things which are not important…


I love the smell of coffee..

I love the touch of wood…and grass…and rock

I love watching trees change with seasons of the year

I love the mountains because they make me feel God


I love shoe prints on the sand…


I love the touch of peanut shells…

I love my curly morning hair…

I love midnight conversations…

I love watching birds..animals…and babies

I love reading classified and matrimonial ads that I have no concern to

I love drama..so I love watching movies and t.v sitcoms

I love cartoons.

I love looking in to the eyes of strangers on the road

I love looking at the sky , during the day or at night



I love snow, I hate the rain, I love sunny bright blue skies

I love rickshaw rides when the the sun is setting


I love chocolate cake and Chinese food

I love my glasses,especially the nerdy ones

I love good music,any genre,it just has to be good.

I love my blue denim jeans.

I love some people and hate them at the same time…but at the end of it all I love them more than I hate them..

post midnight thoughts

I dont know what time is it..the incorrect clock in the room reads 1.45am…my body clock says it must be around 3.00am…I cannot sleep..
I'm flushed and my feet are ice cold…I keep clutching my head coz it pulses with pain…the posterior side of the brain feels like tonne…iv run my fingers through my hair so many times that they are sorted out just as if I had brushed them…there’s a dog crying somewhere…
I'm not confused, I'm not angry…I'm in wonder…at myself.
I'm in wonder that how some things which were so complicated few hours ago seem so simple and clear to me now…I'm in wonder how can I be such a dumb and a sensible person at the same time…how come the person who makes the most unwise choices is the person who comes to the most prudent judgments and explanations…how can I be so scared and brave at the same time…how can I want something so badly and run away from it at the same time….how can I hate some people and love them at the same time….hw can I be such a contradiction….surely there has to be some mistake…

the simple reason

nobody has given me reason to fall in love..
nobody has driven me crazy beyond reason.
does that justify it all??

i see you

And when your having a bad day…your silence is my disturbance…I can feel you sinking even if I'm in the corner of the room…I can make out the forced smiles and I must tell you, you are very bad at faking it coz your eyes cant blink a lie to me…you probably know that coz you won’t look at me and right then all I want to do is pull you into my arms and tell you..’its okay’…but all I do is smile and make a joke, I know you won’t laugh at…the senselessness of it irritates you, angers you..nd th irritation gets your mind off your pain…and i become the excuse to vent out that anger…abuse me…I don’t care…as long as it sets the anger in your beautiful soul free….i don’t care….

Friends

and i will call you in the middle of the night during exams and tell you i want to run to someplace far off and become a hippie...and you will not laugh at me...

crying to laughing

And some days you will be too tired to sleep and you will silently cry for no reason and for all the reasons…and someone will call you right then and notice that you sound weird…and somehow they will understand everything without you telling them a thing…and they will say to you what you exactly need to hear..and you will feel okay…and you will bend down in prayer and thank God for that person in your life…and you will cry silently again…and then you’ll laugh at yourself and what a fool you are…and what a fool you’ll always be.

The Story of My Crushes

March 2008
I C

We called him -IC ,fullform : not integrated circuit
The full form was ..I candy and I C(see) U

I saw this guy first time in the canteen…...he was sitting with his group of friends..on th table next to ours.

I still remember…he was there and their was this expression of utter frustration on his face…an expression that said “I don’t belong here”…the same expression, I had been unconsciously carrying on my face for the past 5 months….and there he was…feeling the same thing as I felt…i couldn’t almost believe it that I had found someone like me…and he was the typical chocolate boy…irresistibly cute to me then(frankly he seems a lil girlish to me now)…and I was done…I felt so good for no reason, so happy for no reason…I knew he was special to me…but I never saw it as a crush then…he was just somebody I liked looking at..eye candy that’s all..i still remember once he was wearing a white shirt and blue denims and he just walked past me with the wind waving his hair…and I felt that a mini fist punched my gut from the inside…

Everything in college goes fast forward and in December 2008 during my semester exams I found out that he was going around with a girl from first year.i knew this girl personally and I also knew she was such a sweetheart, she was very pretty..i couldn’t hate her…I couldn’t be happy for them…and it was then I realized something…I had a crush on this guy.
Having a crush on somebody's boyfriend felt disgusting so I made my mind to get over him…and I did…he was out of my mind…and the sight of him did not affect me anymore until it was December 2009.

December 2009 ,College bus no.11:I C happened to occupy the seat in front of mine ...adjacent to him sat a junior from his branch….they start talking….actually it was IC mostly talking…I'm eavesdropping but i cant help it....he's giving him pointers for college life...more listening...a realisation...shit..he's my type.

Realizations that follow:why do I run away from my feelings??, why did I never consider seriously doing something about my feelings for him?? What was stopping me???

Honestly I almost had a breakdown in the bus, not because of him but because of the realizations I came to because of him.
I learnt something and grew up a little because of him and for that I'm grateful to him.

I still see him around…he’s in my year…and he still brings a smile…a smile mostly saying to myself, ”what a fool you are”, a smile that remembers all the fun we’ve had at the expense of the crush I had on him..i see him with his girlfriend…they look really cute together…and finally I am truly happy for them…
I realize all the i.c jokes are actually on me…but I guess that’s what life is sometimes…a joke on us…and surprisingly I'm okay with it.

p.s: IC has no idea about me or this whole thing I had for him . To him I don’t exist…I guess its better this way…but sometimes I want to tell him..i want him to take it as a compliment and take it with him..but I wonder if he can handle it…so I stay out of his way.

September 2007
P D
It was my first month in college. I was mostly not interested in things going around me, mostly hated everything around me, I used to keep my head down for multiple reasons..mostly to avoid confrontation with the seniors who wanted an intro, mostly to avoid contact with anyone…I was having a hard time coping up with the subjects as I had joined late and missed a lot of classes…and checking out guys was the last thing on my mind..yet I was crushed.

All right I’ll give this to him…he was and still is the most good looking guy in my class….physically he’s bang on my type…my friends don’t agree with me on this one but according to me he was physically the most attractive guy in the class..the winner for me were his glasses.

Its funny how clearly I still remember what happened…I was doing a chemistry assignment, I was sitting on the first bench of some c10something class room just next to the door…I dropped some of my assignment sheets…and suddenly from nowhere a huge crowd of guys and girls started entering from the door…most of them saw the sheets and overstepped them…He stepped on one of my sheets and he stopped..he picked them all up gave them to me and said sorry…and that was what made me look at him and yes he was cute..i noticed him for the rest of the day…there was definitely something about him…the day got over…I went back to the hostel…and I still remember I was hopping the stairs down from Agosh’s room to mine when suddenly half way down the stairs I stopped…and all I could think of was him …and the next moment I realized…I was crushed.

It took me 6 hours to get over him...i reasoned with myself….i convinced myself…I calmed myself down…I spoke to my friends…and I was okay….he was just another good looking guy.

In the coming years I did get to talk to him and know him…my friends too because they knew abt the 6 hr crush kept giving me feedback about him…and it turned out he wasn’t at all my type…he turned out to be a very complicated guy and I have no regrets that I never gave it a serious thought.I can't even stand to talk to him now...he's just really confusing.

p.s : I submitted that assignment with his shoe print on it and got a note on it “this is not a foot mat” by Olive…I kept that sheet of assignment most f my first sem…it used t make me smile when I used to look at it…then as all things get lost in th hostel…it got lost somewhere.

A Waste

And you will think i did not care,
And you will think I did not know how you felt,
You will think I don’t see that look in your eyes when you still look at me..
And you can think all you want to think,
And hate me for it..
And I wish I was at your place coz God I know hate is so much more comfortable..
I wish I could think like you…how I wish..
And this whole thing will be like pictures we click and delete…the ones we never save or print,
It will be like a song or a poem written and thrown away as a crumpled ball of paper in the waste paper basket,
An unrecoverable file deleted permanently..
Tickets we bought for a show none of us could make it to…
And we will deny that we knew each other and live and believe the lie that we never met.
And you will be okay,
Everything in your life will be okay,
Except sometimes when you look at your reflection all you will see is me.

The Excuse

"You wont be the person you are in the years to come and I wont be who I am today...so what’s the whole point of it???"

i know You are there

In my resilience I observe,I wonder and life makes me realize that something is there..
Something that watches over me…someone on my side
Someone still giving me a chance
Someone who knows my story and its end
Someone who knows me and believes in me even when my self belief ends…catching me every time I fall.

the druggie

12.46am,Sunday.
He was so fucking beautiful, unearthly
God I wish i could bring him home,
God I wish I could take care of him,
His face…hauntingly beautiful…sunken eyes circled by grey…red lips…black hair…mauve shirt..on the electric blue bike…
He was so beautiful, so perfect and what he had done to himself was shaming everything..
I saw him and was so caught by him..
I wanted to scream and cry at the same time…but all I could muster was silence…
He was crippling my soul with his sad empty eyes…
It wasn’t cold yet something had frozen me…
The pain, the cold made me look away…
I wanted to know his story, I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault..
His eyes spoke of a soul raped and bloody..something about him gave me goosebumps…something in him scared me..something in him gave me a glimpse of hell…
And I know I won’t see him ever again but if I do I’ll tell him…
Courage is to live…

Playing With Food

we were having noodles in the college canteen when a noodle slipped from my friends fork and naturally made the alphabet 's' on the table..she laughed as it is the initial of her ex-crush..i had my share of fun when i tampered with it and curled it into an 'm' initial of a guy she particularly dislikes.

Questions better left alone

It’s me living a postponed life which keeps getting even more postponed each day, busy doing nothing , tired from doing nothing, nobody broke my heart but I'm still so heartbroken, I try to simplify things but in the end land up complicating them even more, I try every way of being happy and land up being depressed even more, my brain is asleep and I can’t figure a way to wake it up.

Inside me trapped is this crowd of people, for one nothings good enough, for the other, there are no expectations from me anymore and is so sure that I am meant to fail, In between them is a voice that tells me every moment to get out, to run away, from everywhere, from everything, to quit, as nothing is worth it. There’s this person who hates guys and convinces me that the only way I can be happy and peaceful is by spending my life alone, and then there’s this person dying to fall in love and convincing me that love is the solution to all my problems. Sometimes, I wish I could get rid of this crowd but no matter where I go they are all within me and they never shut up.

Why I'm such an extreme person, why can’t I even consider the middle paths of the world. Why do I think so much about the stupid things in life? Why do I fear so much? Why don’t I think rationally? Why do I feel so intensely? Why can’t I ever stick to a plan? Why am I so repulsive towards discipline? What am I trying to prove by screwing my own life? Where did this anger come from and why does it only self destruct? Why can’t I grow up and stop writing stupid stuff like this??

with love...always

And you can always call me when you are having a bad day, when the world is unfair to you, whenever you get scared or whenever you get angry or jealous…or just sad..
When there are reasons and when there aren’t..
When you figure out something new or when you can’t figure out a single thing..
You can always call me anytime in the night when you can’t sleep..
You can always call me when your heart breaks..when you lose something you can never find again..
You can always call me when you win something or something lost finds its way back to you
You can always call me when you get yet another crush..and finally when love takes your breath away..
You can always tell me about something divine you tasted…
You can always call me about the weight you lose or gain..
You can always show me the brand new stuff..tell me how well you bargained…
You can always call me after you cry over a movie or a book and tell me why you cried..
You can always call me when you get drunk..or high..
You can always call me you crash your car or lose your keys or your wallet..
You can always call me when you feel alone at home or if your feeling lonely at a party..
You can always call me when you make mistakes and blunders,
You can always call me to confess or to deny..
You can call me when you don’t want to or can’t call your family..
You can always call me and tell me about your dreams and your worst nightmares..
You can call me and ask me the stupid questions whose answers everyone’s assumed to know
You can call me and discuss the weirdest things in life, the things they never discuss
You can call me when all you want to do is talk to somebody
You can call me when all you want to do is hear my voice and talk about nothing
You can call me and tell me your story that no one is willing to hear
You can call me to tell the unheard reason..unheard truth
You can come to me when you want to run away from everything…
When all you need is a hug..
When all you need is someone to celebrate with..
When all you need is to do is to have a good cry or a good laugh..
You can call me..you can come to me…I just hope you know that..and just in case I never told you before.. I just told you now…
(for aditi,jims,agosh,depu,gurpreet and angel di)

A Susu Story

Just as the landscape began to get boring I realized a hot feeling in my gut. Unfortunately it wasn’t love... I needed to pee. On a bus that wasn’t going to stop in about next 3 hrs...how I was going to hold up, I wondered.

To calm my worries and doubts came flooding the memories of group elocution practices in school which had taught me more than recitation of poems…bladder control. The key was to focus on something else so intensely that you forgot how badly you needed to pee. The obvious distraction I chose for myself was music. I put on my headphones and tuned to radio stations of the city on my cell phone (iv always been a Radiohead)..after listening and switching between three stations on the radio for about 30 minutes I had discovered some things I had never thought of before, if you want to pee desperately but can’t then…1)Do not listen to very slow music 2)do not listen to songs which have lyrics about the rain or to music resembling the sound of dripping water 3)dance numbers are best(as one can imagine themselves to dance in their mind thus helping the situation)

Things were just seeming to get better when a glorious orange sun set in the sky leaving the air cold and foggy. As the temperature dropped I felt the situation get worse in my bladder. The damn Charles’s law was ruling me ‘temperature is inversely proportional to pressure’, I recalled. Thankfully the bus started going a little faster (may be the driver needed to pee too). I truly empathized with my friend Guri who had left the exam hall earlier in one semester exam than the finish time as she needed to go to the restroom, that day I had laughed today I guess the Gods were mocking me. Later Ma called me to ask me if I had reached, I talked to her for a minute thanking her for the distraction and telling her how badly I wanted to jump out of the window of the bus and pee, she laughed and that made me laugh and believe me you shouldn’t laugh if you’re trying to hold up, so I said bye and I quickly hung up. I started to concentrate outside the window, started to focus and read every sign board I saw until I came across a patch of newly finished buildings with to let sign boards which my mind read as toilet and reminding me how desperately I needed to go to the bathroom.

half an hour still to go the worst happened the lady sitting next to me started drinking water ,God knows how badly I wished I was one of those cute babies in the ads wearing a super absorbent huggies diaper… but none the less I did survive it and in the end come out dry only with a mild pain in my stomach.
I reached home and after letting myself in..i headed to the most fantastic place to me at that time…the bathroom and I swear to you to…to pee, had never been…so divine.

New Year resolutions

1st January 2010
New Year resolutions
1.To believe that I deserve what I want because the truth is you don't get what you deserve. You get what you think you deserve.
Be proud of yourself, of who you are. Respect yourself. Take care of yourself. There is no greater sin than self abuse.

2.To be happy, peaceful, funny, beautiful…to be me.
To be happy and peaceful I must do the right thing at the right time. I should be true to myself, fulfill the promises I make to myself. Be sincere towards myself. Be honest to myself. I must not lie, I must not cheat. I should remember who I am at all times. work hard, spend myself with the right attitude..keep a constant check on your thoughts and attitude..grow up,act your age,be responsible. Walk alone if you have to but never compromise on who you are, your priorities.
I must be good to others and help others whenever I can, without any expectations, because what I do defines me and what they do defines them.
Small people only want one thing from you:
Someone else to be as small as they are.
Stay big.
Protect your dreams. Dreams must be ground into bread and the bread eaten.

Stop judging people too harshly.
I must not lose my temper, keep my cool, and be patient. When I'm angry I will not be impulsive. Be focused inside, remember the promises you made to yourself, have faith in yourself.
Believe truly, surrender to it..have faith, trust God.

3.DO NOT BE LAZY. BE COOL BE DISCIPLINED. Plan and follow religiously, your work is your prayer. Do not postpone, it is a sin. Prioritize logically, recognize excuses, set smart goals and achieve them. do not discourage yourself encourage yourself constantly, inner motivation is the key. Envision success and work for it. do not ponder just do it

4.FINISH WHAT YOU START

Starting something great is easy but seeing it through is difficult. just stick with what you start, believe in yourself and do the right things. don’t slack, don’t get discouraged by anything, focus on doing the task well. execution of the plan is the most important. Dreams change the world, but only in dreams. there is no substitute for hard work/smart work.

5. Do not let the past discourage you.
Do not use it as an excuse to spoil your present. use it as a tool to make your life better. accept the experience without resentment or regrets. Mistakes have only one use in life, you learn from them. Have no regrets that you made them but under no circumstances repeat them again. Being perfect doesn’t mean you don’t fail it means that you keep trying until you succeed. Be smart and creative invent ways to dodge the mistakes of the past. focus on the present..its now, it’s your time.
Bullets that miss the mark travel just as fast…you missed once..you cannot miss this time.

6.Keep it REAL, don’t deny the TRUTH
1. You need a comfortable life, you need the money to travel, to write in peace, to live the life you want to. Work for it.
2. Are you committed to your dreams????
They don’t really care about you, you can find Him later. He is not here. Isn’t it enough, hasn’t it harmed you enough??? Your love life can wait, there are more important things at hand. You are at stake. Control the disturbances. Make the wait worth it.
Stop wasting your time and emotions on people who don’t care about you, in the end they will be nothing but distractions….stay away...you stay away, you don’t care ,it won’t hurt. You don’t have to save or change anyone. Grow up. Have faith, if it is so meant to be, he will come to you. Just one year keep the dream alive and safe but just keep it aside.
3.dont blame your circumstances. "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." Take control. Recognize the opportunity you have, recognize the potential. take what you have and make the best of it.
Don’t be so full of the things that you don't have that you don't have space for the things you do.

Don’t blame your parents. You are not your mother or your father, you are not your brother.
You are you, do it your way, do it for yourself.

Don’t blame your college or your teachers. Do it in spite of them, show them who you are , make them remember you.

4. Concentrate on inside, the outside can be managed. Don’t be shallow, and don’t care about shallow people. It’s just one year you can do all you want to do later.