Picture Talking

Its been raining like forever..the view today from the balcony (click for a better view)

This is Mama Mia...i used to talk to her sometimes when i was a kid...okay i still do but so what rite?

Roses

When i was little I'd go out and play almost everyday.
I wouldn't play with toys or board games or video games much.
Mostly I'd play all by myself.Mostly i would just look everywhere.Observe everything...touch whatever i could.
Pick up everything..rocks,grass,leaves,wild flowers,feathers,seeds...anything and everything was treasure...just stayed away from the bird shit and dog poo...i rummaged through everything in the radius I was allowed to play in.
Where i live has a lot of Deodar(Himalayan cedar) and pine trees...and I'd find pine cones and cedar roses.
I'd bring these gluey woody things home and keep them where i hid all the important things.They were usually thrown out during the spring cleaning (Maa used to hate them)...but i never got enough of them...they made me happy.
Girls love flowers and roses...i love cedar roses...coz if you take care of them they can last...forever.

Happiness

when nothing in life is working out the way you want
"happiness" is nothing but an attitude that says
"i'm going to let NOTHING fuck with my mood today."

"im fine"

i can't write something beautiful today.
because i don't feel beautiful today.
i realize that i see things like i want to see them and not as they are...my senseless perceptions...that i once found to be amusing...have started irritating me.

my inconsistency unabashedly claims blame for the wreckage..yet again.

i realize the need to change but
what if the things you need to get rid of are the qualities you love yourself most for?
what if what makes you, you,is standing in the way of everything you want and need?

i am sick of lying to people when they ask me how am i?? and i mechanically blurt out "fine" or something like "little hungry,but mostly good" or "hanging in there"

"how am i??"
the truth???
im not fine.
im angry.
im confused.
im disappointed.
im miserable.
and
i am so jealous of people.
people whose worst worry is the extra weight they must lose.
people whose hardest decision is what clothes or shoes to wear.
wanna-be's coz at least they have something to look forward to in their lives.
people who sleep in the bus while i cant stop my mind from worrying and working out things in my head that refuse to be worked out.

and you know what??? i have totally stopped biting my nails...because i find nothing interesting or scary anymore.

i don't find anything amusing anymore.
i can't find the patience to enjoy anything.
i cant bear to listen to music.
i find most movies absurd.
i cant focus and read...i just skim through stuff.
i don't eat..i dunk down food..even my comfort food.
i find things which i used to like repulsive.

i have stopped wanting anything...and the most disgusting thing is i am getting used to this...it is feeding the laziness.
i just want to want something again.
want it long enough till i can work my way to having it.
i have no plans and i cant gather the will to make some new plans coz i am sick of not sticking to plans and having to feel guilty about it or sticking to plans and yet nothing working out.

sometimes i laugh my guts out.
yes i find this miserable me..so unbelievable..so hilarious.

i feel that i have passed out..creatively,intellectually,emotionally.

starting all over?? from scratch???
im not even sure i want to...
im need a sign...a spark...

coz it rained and i got wet..nd im damp.

and i need to start drying up.
so till im all warm and fiery again...
bear with me
and my sad act
coz i cant lie to you
and say
"im fine"