"What if i told you that every guy i supposedly fell in love with was just to get over some other guy i couldn't stand to be in love with.
My indecision has become my definition of myself.
I cannot stick to any thing.I change my mind every hour.I make excuses for not being focused.
To me life feels like a terminal disease or a fatal accident waiting to happen, so i don't see the point of anything you see.I find the idea of sex repulsive, masturbation gross and pathetic.I would be drunk every day if I could.Its just that i don't have the means and the people i live with would throw me out if i was in to drugs and alcohol that i don't do it.
I cultivate sadness to punish myself for small little things which I don't know why I can't just let go of.I hurt people sometimes just to help me justify the hurt I will later do onto myself.Its been years since I made friends with anybody, i mean really friends.Its been years since I tried to do something new.
I am addicted to pain,sadness and negativity.Loneliness helps to keep all these things on.
I have this unexplained self hatred that I don't know how to deal with.
I don't know if am good at anything in life, i have no dreams, no ambitions.I just like eating food, sleeping and watching t.v.I can't even cross the road easily, i don't even know how to light matchsticks, i waste half a dozen before being able to light one.On my worst days I just want to cut myself and bleed, yes that's the real reason why i donate blood so frequently.
I can whine and complain and criticize.I don't have the will or the courage to even give doing something about things a thought.I can justify my procrastination ,my excuses in the most fancy lines but the truth is i am just a quitter.i just lost all the reason to live, and i mean really live, long time ago and i have become so comfortable and used to being like this that i don't remember being any other way.
I have a bad attitude.I hate people most days of my life.I hate life most days of my life.I am a cold hearted selfish bitch mostly.To add to it I am arrogant and apathetic.I mostly pretend to listen to people but I don't really listen to them.
And when someone even comes close to reaching out to me, I muff out what they are trying to say to me by this psych rant which i have basically been doing again right now.
There,what do you think of me now huh???"
"I don't know."
"Precisely.
Lets just pretend we never had this conversation okay??"
"whatever, it has never been my call, has it??"
"fuck you."
My indecision has become my definition of myself.
I cannot stick to any thing.I change my mind every hour.I make excuses for not being focused.
To me life feels like a terminal disease or a fatal accident waiting to happen, so i don't see the point of anything you see.I find the idea of sex repulsive, masturbation gross and pathetic.I would be drunk every day if I could.Its just that i don't have the means and the people i live with would throw me out if i was in to drugs and alcohol that i don't do it.
I cultivate sadness to punish myself for small little things which I don't know why I can't just let go of.I hurt people sometimes just to help me justify the hurt I will later do onto myself.Its been years since I made friends with anybody, i mean really friends.Its been years since I tried to do something new.
I am addicted to pain,sadness and negativity.Loneliness helps to keep all these things on.
I have this unexplained self hatred that I don't know how to deal with.
I don't know if am good at anything in life, i have no dreams, no ambitions.I just like eating food, sleeping and watching t.v.I can't even cross the road easily, i don't even know how to light matchsticks, i waste half a dozen before being able to light one.On my worst days I just want to cut myself and bleed, yes that's the real reason why i donate blood so frequently.
I can whine and complain and criticize.I don't have the will or the courage to even give doing something about things a thought.I can justify my procrastination ,my excuses in the most fancy lines but the truth is i am just a quitter.i just lost all the reason to live, and i mean really live, long time ago and i have become so comfortable and used to being like this that i don't remember being any other way.
I have a bad attitude.I hate people most days of my life.I hate life most days of my life.I am a cold hearted selfish bitch mostly.To add to it I am arrogant and apathetic.I mostly pretend to listen to people but I don't really listen to them.
And when someone even comes close to reaching out to me, I muff out what they are trying to say to me by this psych rant which i have basically been doing again right now.
There,what do you think of me now huh???"
"I don't know."
"Precisely.
Lets just pretend we never had this conversation okay??"
"whatever, it has never been my call, has it??"
"fuck you."
4 comments:
Sometime ago, I felt like writing down here that 'Hey, that name, I wish you would change it to something else. Hopelessly Flawed, its not true afterall'.
But then, many times like after reading this, I also feel that what you write, you have chosen the name quite wisely.
Pa knows the hurt, not quite correctly, but he's seen the world hasn't he? (Your other post.)
World stops pinching after a while, its just Us, that we can't get rid of so easily. Drowning yourself in alcohol, how long, one day, it too shall forsake you, or you will forsake it.
Regards,
Blasphemous Aesthete
hey..seems lik your th only one who reads my nonsense, ty for your comments :)
@my name
i find beauty in flaws..and flaws in beauty.Perfection is what we make it to be..i see perfection in flaws..potential in flaws.Natural flaws are natural flairs to me.
i love hopelessly flawed people they are the most real to me.
i write about a lot of things which are not about me.
this post is a conversation.
may be a conversation between the worst of someone and the best of her.
may be a conversation between her and her friend.
@alcohol
wise words i agree.
substance abuse is not a flaw..it is the result of not accepting your flaws or the flaws of life.
@my other post
yes Pa knows more than i think he knows.
It is just the other side speaking, isn't it?
When you can't sleep, when you are overwhelmed by self-repulsion, when things seem bleak. So you give yourself to melancholic, depressing, self-deprecating thoughts; which has its own charms.
It is very easy to imagine the worst in you; it is finding the things to appreciate in yourself that calls for self awareness...
It was a bittersweet read....
absolutely.
welcome to my blog :)
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