If dolls could talk...and teddy bears could sing....

they'd tell you I wasn't always like this.....how easily I'd laugh and cry.....

they'd tell you I loved to talk...teach them stuff and tell them stories....

they'd tell you how patient I was....I'd put each one of them to sleep....

they'd tell you how I took care...patched them up...made clothes for them....brushed their hair

they'd tell you how worried I'd be when others played rough with them.....

they'd tell you I was never scared of the dark, the thunder,the spiders or the monsters.....just the teacher in school who would shout to bring me back from the day dreaming.....

If dolls could talk...and teddy bears could sing....

they'd tell tell you who I am.....not who I seem to be.

..in plastic and fur....recycled...or in the dust....

lie my purest kisses and caresses... tears for nothings..

 ...misgivings of a tender heart.

Okay

It is okay .It is okay if I was his mid life crisis and he was my PMS gone wild. I was the bike, he needed a car. 

I think it was enough, I think it was beautiful and in the end it was fair.

I think if you can find peace and comfort anywhere in your life that has to be good. So if you send me back in time I would still make the same choices, and the only reason why I am so sure is that I feel no resentment, or anger, or regret or anything even close to that. I am not a greedy person. I call him greed and not a want or a need because that is the truth. Greed harms you and other people .I can hang on to either one of those disillusions that I want him or need him but I choose not to. I choose not to spoil it by trying to make it last forever even when I don’t want to just because that would be the noble thing to do. I like it this way.

It is odd how you can find the most startling things at places where you least expect to find them, in places your not even looking. You stumble upon things, you hurt a little, but you walk away with a little dust of life. You discover yourself through people you least suspect can leave an impression on your life. Sometimes you discover things you like and sometimes things that break your heart. You see yourself; it is almost a biopsy, my disillusions, fears, vulnerabilities and all the other mess .Who I am, who I am not . Guess that breaks my heart a little but given a choice I’d rather know because knowing, helps me. I cannot choose my flaws and fears but I can choose not to be limited by them, dragged down by them. So, I don’t apologize for not being in love. I won’t lie that I’m not heart broken. Sometimes you don’t have to be in love to be heart broken. You end up heart broken anyway.

sab khair hai bass meri rooh par teri rooh ke kuchh nishan baaki hai.

I no longer wish to find myself for I have realized there is nothing to find. All that there was, nothing remains of it today.

Along the way some I bartered, some they stole and some I threw away.

 I feel loss. And I have accepted sadness as the part of the new me.

But there is this looming void.

In this void, I want to create.

Create.

Me.

A better Me

The Week (Sometimes)

Monday's..i step forward with my hopes all high and my best cards up my sleeves...everything seems possible...everything seems okay...and just when i have almost believed that...it all comes crashing down...
Smashed and sloshed...my spirit spills out..and my body feels like a distorted mass of protoplasm.

Tuesday's..i understand where i went wrong on monday...still a little numb from falling...i try once again keeping the mistakes of monday in mind. Tuesday is more analytical more objective.Tuesday gets work done...making me think that may be yesterday was just a bad day.

Wednesday's..i get sick of the good days and bad days...i get lost halfway in between..i get confused...enemy or friend...falling in love or getting over..i cant decide..which way to ride or weather to cross the roads and if now is the time.

Thursday's..the most jealous day...tired and blue..hateful and cursing...a wait for Friday..

Friday's...are good..plan how i get healed of the damage done in the week...plans which digest what i took in..cleansing of the remnant shreds of soul.

Saturday's ...i live to prove things are not as bad as they seem...i live to prove them wrong...and to prove to myself that i'm still there...barely alive...barely myself..but I'm still there.

Sunday's...are short like the wink of an eye...an apologetic hug cause it knows I'm going to have to go again there again on Monday...Sunday is my friend that i always wished my lover was more like...but i can't fall in love with him...don't know why.

I asked my God about you today.
He said you were okay.
He said that He'd take care of you.
He said that He'd do something about it.
So don't worry...we're in excellent hands.

Regret

Even on my worst days
the only real regret i have in life,
is that i didn't hug you when i had the chance to

You see i had broken everything i had touched before
and i didn't want to break you.

They later told me,I broke you anyway.

some times i feel I'm a letter making my way to you through bad weather
and the ink of the letters is getting all faded and washed
the paper is becoming crumpled and dirty and a little torn
and i wonder if you'll be able to make out what i was meant to say
just remember
i was a love letter.
a beautiful one.

A Waste

And you will think i did not care,
And you will think I did not know how you felt,
You will think I don’t see that look in your eyes when you still look at me..
And you can think all you want to think,
And hate me for it..
And I wish I was at your place coz God I know hate is so much more comfortable..
I wish I could think like you…how I wish..
And this whole thing will be like pictures we click and delete…the ones we never save or print,
It will be like a song or a poem written and thrown away as a crumpled ball of paper in the waste paper basket,
An unrecoverable file deleted permanently..
Tickets we bought for a show none of us could make it to…
And we will deny that we knew each other and live and believe the lie that we never met.
And you will be okay,
Everything in your life will be okay,
Except sometimes when you look at your reflection all you will see is me.

The Excuse

"You wont be the person you are in the years to come and I wont be who I am today...so what’s the whole point of it???"