Routine

and you think the meaningless conversation
the casual hello's and goodbye's
the old jokes,the jargon,the gossip
the coffee you always hate and the food you never like
the smiles,the winks of the eye,the pat,the soft punches,the dragging by the pulling of the arm
the passionate grudges,crushes,hate,love,like,dislike
the phone calls about nothing and sms's about everything
the ever growing folder of photographs and the videos on your desktop
the sand that always gets into your feet
the grass that always wets your shoes in the morning
the door glass that you always check yourself out in while you enter the block

is routine....until it is there no more...and all what is left is responsibility and accountability...the uncertainty of the future makes you feel insecure and you feel the seriousness of life getting to you...and you are watching t.v and wondering about the people that used to be your life...but then everyone has moved on and so should you...
your routine has set you free but it still owns your time,a part of your life that you cannot have back...
so while your still there...make it worth while...your routine is the indelible ink you are writing your past with...write it well...more importantly make it beautiful.

The Story of My Crushes

March 2008
I C

We called him -IC ,fullform : not integrated circuit
The full form was ..I candy and I C(see) U

I saw this guy first time in the canteen…...he was sitting with his group of friends..on th table next to ours.

I still remember…he was there and their was this expression of utter frustration on his face…an expression that said “I don’t belong here”…the same expression, I had been unconsciously carrying on my face for the past 5 months….and there he was…feeling the same thing as I felt…i couldn’t almost believe it that I had found someone like me…and he was the typical chocolate boy…irresistibly cute to me then(frankly he seems a lil girlish to me now)…and I was done…I felt so good for no reason, so happy for no reason…I knew he was special to me…but I never saw it as a crush then…he was just somebody I liked looking at..eye candy that’s all..i still remember once he was wearing a white shirt and blue denims and he just walked past me with the wind waving his hair…and I felt that a mini fist punched my gut from the inside…

Everything in college goes fast forward and in December 2008 during my semester exams I found out that he was going around with a girl from first year.i knew this girl personally and I also knew she was such a sweetheart, she was very pretty..i couldn’t hate her…I couldn’t be happy for them…and it was then I realized something…I had a crush on this guy.
Having a crush on somebody's boyfriend felt disgusting so I made my mind to get over him…and I did…he was out of my mind…and the sight of him did not affect me anymore until it was December 2009.

December 2009 ,College bus no.11:I C happened to occupy the seat in front of mine ...adjacent to him sat a junior from his branch….they start talking….actually it was IC mostly talking…I'm eavesdropping but i cant help it....he's giving him pointers for college life...more listening...a realisation...shit..he's my type.

Realizations that follow:why do I run away from my feelings??, why did I never consider seriously doing something about my feelings for him?? What was stopping me???

Honestly I almost had a breakdown in the bus, not because of him but because of the realizations I came to because of him.
I learnt something and grew up a little because of him and for that I'm grateful to him.

I still see him around…he’s in my year…and he still brings a smile…a smile mostly saying to myself, ”what a fool you are”, a smile that remembers all the fun we’ve had at the expense of the crush I had on him..i see him with his girlfriend…they look really cute together…and finally I am truly happy for them…
I realize all the i.c jokes are actually on me…but I guess that’s what life is sometimes…a joke on us…and surprisingly I'm okay with it.

p.s: IC has no idea about me or this whole thing I had for him . To him I don’t exist…I guess its better this way…but sometimes I want to tell him..i want him to take it as a compliment and take it with him..but I wonder if he can handle it…so I stay out of his way.

September 2007
P D
It was my first month in college. I was mostly not interested in things going around me, mostly hated everything around me, I used to keep my head down for multiple reasons..mostly to avoid confrontation with the seniors who wanted an intro, mostly to avoid contact with anyone…I was having a hard time coping up with the subjects as I had joined late and missed a lot of classes…and checking out guys was the last thing on my mind..yet I was crushed.

All right I’ll give this to him…he was and still is the most good looking guy in my class….physically he’s bang on my type…my friends don’t agree with me on this one but according to me he was physically the most attractive guy in the class..the winner for me were his glasses.

Its funny how clearly I still remember what happened…I was doing a chemistry assignment, I was sitting on the first bench of some c10something class room just next to the door…I dropped some of my assignment sheets…and suddenly from nowhere a huge crowd of guys and girls started entering from the door…most of them saw the sheets and overstepped them…He stepped on one of my sheets and he stopped..he picked them all up gave them to me and said sorry…and that was what made me look at him and yes he was cute..i noticed him for the rest of the day…there was definitely something about him…the day got over…I went back to the hostel…and I still remember I was hopping the stairs down from Agosh’s room to mine when suddenly half way down the stairs I stopped…and all I could think of was him …and the next moment I realized…I was crushed.

It took me 6 hours to get over him...i reasoned with myself….i convinced myself…I calmed myself down…I spoke to my friends…and I was okay….he was just another good looking guy.

In the coming years I did get to talk to him and know him…my friends too because they knew abt the 6 hr crush kept giving me feedback about him…and it turned out he wasn’t at all my type…he turned out to be a very complicated guy and I have no regrets that I never gave it a serious thought.I can't even stand to talk to him now...he's just really confusing.

p.s : I submitted that assignment with his shoe print on it and got a note on it “this is not a foot mat” by Olive…I kept that sheet of assignment most f my first sem…it used t make me smile when I used to look at it…then as all things get lost in th hostel…it got lost somewhere.

notes from my cell phone (probably gonna delete thm so thought il put thm here)
Monday morning dark blues,e003 e block i.e.t bhaddal
Dirty jeans,half tied shoelaces,hair that make no sense,specs last rescued from dont noe where..cleaning them and wondering weather its the specs that are unclean or my vision going bad again...
was it th food i ate last nite,was it the sleepless hours i spent listening t music which didnt helps either,was it the shock i woke up wid again way past time 2 wake up..brushed my teeth half asleep..pee..shit..wash my hands and stare at th running water...find my towel if it still exists,,find my undergarments if they didnt get chucked by the kleptos n th hoostel..bathe wid cold water...emerge numb...find a clean t-shirt,sunscreen,deo..n then no tim for breakfast,locating note books and incomplete files last dumped don noe wer wich room f th hostel..pens..dont noe whos is th one m writing wid 2 day..nd wether it will wrk wen th lecturer dictates or weather il jst hav t fake it again nd write wid invisible ink turn my page wen sum i actually writin does..phone wid dying battery...
headache coz im hungry,headache wont let me listen t th teacher,headache coz i didnt sleep well last nite,headache coz my friends cant get wat i feel rite..headache hw badly i wanna feel alright..headache i wish i had spoken 2 som1 abt ths last time..headache as f i gt drunk last nite..headache tht driving all hopes frm my life (damn the sunshine blinding my eyes)..headache coz every1 thinks im alrite..headache coz sumthings killing me inside.....
headache coz i wish my dreams hadnt died..nw i dont even wonder wat will happen in my life..headache wer did i lose my friends sight...damn th headache,damn th reasons tht make no sense t me nw..
headache i wish i cud lie in fresh white snow..headache i dont noe y im here..i hate th reasons tht im here..i hate it even more coz none f thm make ani sense 2 t me animore...its official...life is defintely screwed,somethings definetely wrong.