"im fine"

i can't write something beautiful today.
because i don't feel beautiful today.
i realize that i see things like i want to see them and not as they are...my senseless perceptions...that i once found to be amusing...have started irritating me.

my inconsistency unabashedly claims blame for the wreckage..yet again.

i realize the need to change but
what if the things you need to get rid of are the qualities you love yourself most for?
what if what makes you, you,is standing in the way of everything you want and need?

i am sick of lying to people when they ask me how am i?? and i mechanically blurt out "fine" or something like "little hungry,but mostly good" or "hanging in there"

"how am i??"
the truth???
im not fine.
im angry.
im confused.
im disappointed.
im miserable.
and
i am so jealous of people.
people whose worst worry is the extra weight they must lose.
people whose hardest decision is what clothes or shoes to wear.
wanna-be's coz at least they have something to look forward to in their lives.
people who sleep in the bus while i cant stop my mind from worrying and working out things in my head that refuse to be worked out.

and you know what??? i have totally stopped biting my nails...because i find nothing interesting or scary anymore.

i don't find anything amusing anymore.
i can't find the patience to enjoy anything.
i cant bear to listen to music.
i find most movies absurd.
i cant focus and read...i just skim through stuff.
i don't eat..i dunk down food..even my comfort food.
i find things which i used to like repulsive.

i have stopped wanting anything...and the most disgusting thing is i am getting used to this...it is feeding the laziness.
i just want to want something again.
want it long enough till i can work my way to having it.
i have no plans and i cant gather the will to make some new plans coz i am sick of not sticking to plans and having to feel guilty about it or sticking to plans and yet nothing working out.

sometimes i laugh my guts out.
yes i find this miserable me..so unbelievable..so hilarious.

i feel that i have passed out..creatively,intellectually,emotionally.

starting all over?? from scratch???
im not even sure i want to...
im need a sign...a spark...

coz it rained and i got wet..nd im damp.

and i need to start drying up.
so till im all warm and fiery again...
bear with me
and my sad act
coz i cant lie to you
and say
"im fine"