Orange juice in a tea cup.A plate with leftover ketchup from the midnight snacking. A switched off phone and another with a dying battery.A lemon post-it on the wall with a things to do list scrawled in a handwriting that doesn't seem like mine.Newspaper with rape stories, people dying stories and people lying stories.A laptop that is everything except mine.Eight tabs on the browser with more comfortably important things to read. Two almost available and five idle friends on the instant messenger.

It's just an itch.

You don't have to do this.You don't have to write.It was a kiddie thing that you used to do.And honestly can you even write anymore? Do you even want to write anymore? Are you absolutely sure?

And honestly what do even want to write about? You don't feel things anymore,you don't see beauty anymore..and yes I mean the over-exaggerated,unreasonably oversensitive approach..the incessant unnecessary histrionics..that throw you into a tumble dry of confused emotions and mostly leave you shaken and numb.You really want to be in a place where a sound,a smell,a picture or some words can make you smile or weep like a kid ? Do you want to give words that power over you? You've been doing so well...you've been coping so well my love...this new you...so sane, so normal... is working so well for you...why go back?

Lets just go read something funny or smart, online or find a new sitcom or a movie to escape to.

Switch on the TV.Nature channel,cartoons,music videos, travel and food shows.No?
Talk to somebody? Flirt? Argue? Or just listen to somebody vent?

Or just read something...anything...classifieds in the newspaper...the ingredients of this ketchup you just consumed...Want to eat some more? Drink some more?

Do whatever you need to do...get yourself your daily dose of dopamine...and some more...quieten your brain....do not write.

It's just an itch.

Back

Because without you, no matter what I do...no matter where I go....I feel like a ghost.

18th November,2011

 Don't.
Just let me be here.I need to be here.
You know me.I won't cry.

I don't know who you had become all these years but I am pretty sure it was something more amazing than what I knew you to be.
It has been six years.I don't know the girl who made it to IIT D.I don't know the girl who studied there and got a job in Mumbai and was working in some premier software company.
I knew you from long before that.
You were my first best friend.
They say you were like my soother on my first day of kindergarten.I wouldn't stop crying and your Mom told my Mama to make me sit beside you and within minutes I was talking to you and waving happy goodbyes to our mothers.
We must have hung out together for almost five years.
I remember the little slide in th corner of the playground we used to play around.
I remember you always used to get a banana for lunch.You used to peal it all at once and then break it in pieces and eat it.
I don't remember what we talked and the games we played and the one reason I don't remember stuff is coz everything was so happy and smooth.I don't remember having even a slightest tiff with you
Then came the third form.You got an appendectomy done.You missed school.I missed you.And you called me from the hospital.And I was all chirpy and your voice sounded weak.I worried a lot about you.I'm sorry I didn't come to visit you.I never told you that but believe me it remains the first real regret of my life.Because of you I have tried to be the best friend I can be to all my friends thereafter.But you know what I never could find a best friend like you.
We drifted apart.Our sections wern't the same anymore.We had our separate runs in that beautiful school.
We fell in love with good books, good music,good movies and the mysteries of life separately.Most days I'd talk to you in the school bus in the morning.We were so inquisitive and curious then.We loved Harry Potter.You had a crush on Johnny Depp and his high cheek bones then.
March 2005, after the boards I gave a black small box with two nothings for your birthday.One was a moonstone heart locket and the other was a small wooden guy broken off a key chain.I gave you that coz those two were the most prized possessions of mine at that time and I had a feeling we would grow further apart like we did, so i wanted it to be most special, most rare.

I know you know it.You were amazing.
You were above the trivia.The real thing.
And now you've beaten us all to it.
You've flown.
They offer me details of the car accident but you know I don't want to know.I don't care.
They've all written on your fb wall, I don't like it.
I see in your profile picture.You seem to be flying in your orange graduation robe.Flying towards heaven.
That is what I want to remember.
I want to remember that you had a hell of a time in college.You had friends that loved you.You were in a beautiful relationship with some very lucky guy.You went to places and saw life...yes you were the pride of a small town...pride of everyone who knew you..but you know baby for me...all I wondered was about you..and it turns out you have done a beautiful job of your life and I am just so happy for that.

The kind of person I knew you were,I know you wouldn't mind leaving soon because that was just the kind of person you were.Above the grudging,above the complaining.

Of all the promises I didn't keep.Of all the times I avoided you.Of all the weird behavior.It wasn't about you and I am pretty sure you always knew that.

 I want you to know just two things.
I still love you from a four year old heart.Love that doesn't even know it is love yet.Love that knows no loss or complications.Love that is as simple as holding each others tiny hands for no reason.
I will take you in my heart.Wherever I go.As long as go.

Nunnu please know this.Please.Okay.

And meet all the fabulous people in heaven.I know you'll make the best of everything there too.The world is too shitty anyways hun' have fun watching us over and have a good laugh every time I screw my life,only you are allowed to do that.

I love you.

Okay

It is okay .It is okay if I was his mid life crisis and he was my PMS gone wild. I was the bike, he needed a car. 

I think it was enough, I think it was beautiful and in the end it was fair.

I think if you can find peace and comfort anywhere in your life that has to be good. So if you send me back in time I would still make the same choices, and the only reason why I am so sure is that I feel no resentment, or anger, or regret or anything even close to that. I am not a greedy person. I call him greed and not a want or a need because that is the truth. Greed harms you and other people .I can hang on to either one of those disillusions that I want him or need him but I choose not to. I choose not to spoil it by trying to make it last forever even when I don’t want to just because that would be the noble thing to do. I like it this way.

It is odd how you can find the most startling things at places where you least expect to find them, in places your not even looking. You stumble upon things, you hurt a little, but you walk away with a little dust of life. You discover yourself through people you least suspect can leave an impression on your life. Sometimes you discover things you like and sometimes things that break your heart. You see yourself; it is almost a biopsy, my disillusions, fears, vulnerabilities and all the other mess .Who I am, who I am not . Guess that breaks my heart a little but given a choice I’d rather know because knowing, helps me. I cannot choose my flaws and fears but I can choose not to be limited by them, dragged down by them. So, I don’t apologize for not being in love. I won’t lie that I’m not heart broken. Sometimes you don’t have to be in love to be heart broken. You end up heart broken anyway.

sab khair hai bass meri rooh par teri rooh ke kuchh nishan baaki hai.

No it isn’t heart breaking. It fails to satisfy my metaphorical needs.

The shattering and picking up shards of a broken “heart” doesn’t work for me.

I feel shot.

Shot at my chest.

And my gut.