....

"You know, every time I look at you, your eyes...I want to see him,I want to see his eyes.."

"Waaht??"

"I mean, if this the hurt on this side...what I see here everyday...in your insanely beautiful eyes...I wonder what his eyes look like...was he hurt as bad as this..or what does he feel... guilt...or denial...regret..anger..or complete indifference...what is there on the other side???"

"Okay, you just called my eyes insanely beautiful...so im just going to filter that out...and by the way why do you even care about the other side??"

"I don't care...you still do...I'm just curious.."

"So is it that obvious??"

"You could  wear shades in front of me...or I could start looking at the rest of you...which by the way could be interesting"

"Perv"

"What??...and now I've got you worried"

"Shit...i really wonder sometimes if it will go away...I really want it to..."

"Give it time...you'll grow out of it.."

"That's what worries me...how much will i lose myself...the child in me...to grow out of it..ahh forget it, life's okay...I love these jeans,I love this red wall,I still have two chocolate bars in my bag pack"

"Can I have one??"

"How could you even ask??"

My First Night (i mean night shift all you dirty people)

10pm to 7am

No,its not the same as spending the whole night doing things you like.You work and you can't sleep at all.

"Snuggle while you can"

Amen.

"I'm sorry,its just that I am contagiously sad right now...and I just don't want to rub off my blues on you or anyone...so could you just forget about me for a while...pretend I'm on a happy vacation or something...and we could pick it up from where we left it some days later???"

Dairy Entry

Some days I go out to the office just to find a reason to quit...and then i think, shouldn't this fact alone suffice my need for a reason to quit.

I'll tell you about my work today.I work as an alarm monitoring engineer in a leading telecom and networks company.
There  are sites from where your phone receives network.Commonly they can be identified as towers on which round and rectangular antennas are mounted.Among other equipment on these sites there is equipment that tracks the proper working of the site.When something is even slightly off than usual this equipment generates alarms.These alarms are transmitted to a central location where they are continuously monitored.I monitor these alarms in that central location.When I see something is not okay I inform the site engineers and tell them to go check if everything is okay at the actual site.We keep up the network so that your phone always has a good signal.So that you can always connect.So that people can always connect with you.So that you are never alone.
There are a lot of others things that I do as well but the rest of it is just process to make this alarm monitoring thing very efficient and well documented.

I work in eight hour shifts,almost continuously.I cannot let my terminal unmanned so taking even a five minute break is a problem sometimes.I was promised a five days a week schedule but till now all my weeks have been six days.My office looks and operates like a call center except they don't give us the earphone cum mike devices and the recognition that it is actually a typical calling center.
The work is repetitive and beyond a point there is nothing to learn off it.But then I guess it is like that with most of the jobs.

Some days I feel like a life saver but most days I feel nothing but a telecom coolie.(we come after IT coolies coz they don't do night shifts you see).Everyday I find new reasons and underlying meaning to what they make me do.Try and make sense of it but lately all the sense of it has started not to make sense to me and the first cracks have begun to show
Writing this down is one of the many things I'm doing to hold it together.

"I just saw you and was wondering ...if you could happen to me...and if you could let me happen to you???"

The City

The seventeen wards of that hospital, my cousin’s house, the metro stations, the malls,training room 2, the floor of my office, my room,the balcony.
Pieces everywhere.
Some mornings, I feel like going to all these places,picking up the pieces and putting back the heart I came to this city with.And then taking off to a place where no one can find me.

One morning, maybe I will.

This city is a whore. Fucked by anyone who can. It has children it cannot take care of, left abandoned on the streets to fend for their soulless bodies or bastards tucked away with money, soulless nevertheless.

She lies drugged in smoke, reeking of novel odors I did not know existed. She entices me for a smoke and something more.

I see her, smell her and every night I hear her whispering in my ear.

Time and money Count.Rate.Label.

No, don’t you dare laugh or smile, your happiness is offensive to us.

No, don’t you dare raise the temperature of this room, we keep it so to match the coldness of our manner.

How dare you be nice?? Showing off huh?? Let’s see how long you last bitch.

Do us a favor, die or get out, at least then we can replace you by a non problematic version of you and get on with our lives.

There is this foul sarcastic apathetic lascivious spirit that floats here. Paranoid and afraid.

But yes, if there is something I can give to them is the fact that they can put up an act.

The circus goes on every day.

I laugh at myself every day. Whenever I look in the mirror, I can’t but laugh.
I come up with the most hilarious things now a days.May be the humor comes tailgating the misery.

I"m not nice, I'm just alive you morons. Only if you knew what it is to be nice you would know the difference.

I know I have to get out, just get what I want, and get out.

One morning, I will.